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No body on there deathbed said I wish I had spent more time at work
You look over-medicated. What`s your doctor`s name?
I like people. I just don`t want them talking to me. Or breathing near me. Or making me look up from my phone.
Keep talking; someday you’ll say something intelligent.
Automatic doors make me feel like a Jedi
Screw getting an alarm system. I`ve seen Home Alone, I know what to do.
you know what sucks about being a "chubby guy"....when your girlfriend wants to play with YOUR boobs :)
If life gives you lemons make grape juice than lay back and watch people wondering how you did it;)
I hate how my friends are always trying to convince me to do extreme activities. Like bungee jumping, skydiving or leaving the house.
Heard Justin Bieber got arrested for drag racing. Sure it`s dangerous, but surely it isn`t against the law to run in high heels...
Sometimes I watch sports holding an xbox controller just to screw with my girlfriend`s head...
Porn is the only type of entertainment where "not watching the whole thing" means it was good.
Yes, that`s correct. And the horse you rode in on.
Sorry, I can`t delete any of my voicemails cause then people would be able to leave me a new one
You dont know sh!t about pressure until you`re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you