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Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler. Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
I wish common sense was more common.
This empty wallet looks like I`ll be laughing obnoxiously at some guy`s awful jokes in a bar tonight.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
Instead of the John, I call my bathroom the Jim...that way it sounds better when I say I go to the Jim every morning.
Don`t waste my timeline.
I like wearing glasses because I like to dramatically remove them before I say something profound. Doing that with contacts doesn`t have the same effect.
Sometimes just to annoy my therapist, I ask him, "So how does my lack of progress make you feel?"
Being sick is your bodies way of saying “Hey, you really need to catch up on some TV”.
I checked into a hotel this weekend. I told the girl I hoped the porn channel was disabled. She said "No, its just regular porn, you sicko"
Imagine how out of control drinking would if we didn`t have hangovers
Did you know you can go to any gym without having to announce it on Facebook?
Exercise can add years to your life. For example, I just ran 2 miles and I now feel like I`m 82.
Turns out a crash diet doesn`t mean having vodka with every meal and falling down the stairs at noon!
I need to tell you something. I know it is going to break your heart and maybe you will not talk to me after the bad news. But I want you to hear it from me first instead of hearing it from someone else. This is going to make you cry I know. I first thought I must just keep quiet about it but I know it will not be fair on you. I am so ashamed to have to do this but you need to know the truth. Don`t be mad at me please. I will understand if you never want to hear from me ever again but it m