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feels like getting some work done ... so I am sitting down until the feeling passes.
Sorry I pissed you off, but I find you much more entertaining this way.
Taking a nap is so risky. Like, when will I wake up? 30 minutes from now? 2 hours? 12 years? No one can be sure.
I`m sorry I hurt your feelings. When I called you stupid, I really thought you already knew..
There`s an emoji for eggplants but not for popcorn and this is why trusting people isn`t just hard, it`s impossible.
When you put ‘aspiring’ in front of your chosen profession. What I hear is: I’m unemployed.
How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
Adding "and sh!t" to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and sh!t.
I`m sorry, all I hear is your perfume
I know karate, jujitsu, judo, taekwondo and 28 other dangerous words. Still wanna` mess with me?
Every time someone says "Have a nice day!", I yell "DON`T F**KING TELL ME WHAT TO DO!"
When girls flash its called, "girls gone wild" when men flash its call ... "America`s most wanted"
Right now a FedEx driver is dropkicking your Christmas gift onto someone’s front porch.
I’m not saying I need to manscape, but when I get an erection it looks like Pinocchio has joined the Taliban.
The iPad: Because the iPhone was too small for other people to notice you.