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My doctor told me to stop drinking...Then he told me to stop laughing.
Sometimes my neighbors love my music so much that they invite the police to listen.
The average person farts 14 times a day. Finally, I`m above average at something!!
I don´t like people who can´t make fun of themselves. It means more work for me.
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Facebook. So sadly, this will be my last joke….. in which I talk about having a wife.
Been waiting at the pub for my wife to pick me up for hours now. How long does it take to have a baby, for Christs sake.
Basically the way it works is I tell myself I`m not going to eat too much and then I eat too much.
Well I was gonna donate blood today until the lady got all personal and started asking "who´s blood is this?" and "How did you get it?"
TV needs to stop putting up those stupid “viewer discretion” warnings. My mom is sick of me calling her for clearance.
"Size DOES matter", I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
You laugh because I´m different. I laugh cause I just farted!
Seems like we would be just fine with about half as many types of pasta
You will never find the right person, if you do not let go of the wrong one. Call me!
Coffee keeps me busy until it`s time to be drunk.
People says nothing is imposible.. But i do nothing everyday!!