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I BRIEFLY had an urge to clean ... but that lasted only 5 minutes .. whew! That was close! Lol
I woke up this morning and my "check liver" light was on.
when my swear jar gets full I`m going to use the money to buy a f*cking puppy
I bet aliens would visit us more if Will Smith didn`t punch them in the head as soon as they got here.
A lot of people are only alive because I shed too much hair to ever get away with murder.
How come there`s never enough dirt to refill the hole even after you`ve put the body in? Asking for a friend
Answering my phone and saying... FBI fraud division. Has really cut down on the telemarketers.
The only beachfront property I`ll ever be able to afford is a sandcastle.
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario & how you handled it. Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
my girlfriend does that cute thing, where she doesnt exist.
is not rude...I just wasn`t taught to politely pretend to be nice to people I can`t stand.
Whenever a wrong number calls me and hangs up I always call em back and tell them it was their loss because I`m really fun to talk to.
I’m trisexual, as in, I’ll try to have sex with you.
Basically anything you buy at the hardware store looks like you`re getting ready to take hostages.
I´m thankful for Facebook. Before, I would just scream out my thoughts to anyone who would listen.