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Everyone is gifted. But not everyone opens their present.
Currently helping my girlfriend look for her chocolates that I ate 5 hours ago...
Yo! My friend won a trip to China. He´s out there now... trying to win a trip back.
Funerals are so depressing, when I die I want to be fed to a shark or something cool.
My head says go to the gym. My heart says food.
“Can we talk tomorrow?” is my way of saying “I’ll try to do a better job of avoiding you tomorrow?”
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
It`s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
Sometimes you just have to logout...
I ordered a new GPS unit, but it got lost in the mail.
I try not to brag but I`m really quite good at Yoga. I`m not flexible or anything but I am a master of that "Empty Your Mind" part
Jealous women do better research then the FBI. True story.
My Wife does this cute thing where she says that "actions speak louder than words" and then gets pissed at me for just nodding.
Fast food places should have a third window, where you can trade in the wrong stuff they gave you at the second window.
I need a bank to do two things for me: give me a loan and leave me alone