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Racism, sexism and homophobia make no sense when there are so many perfectly good stupid people to hate.
If a woman shaves her legs for you, at least every other day, in the Winter time, it`s Love.
I do 5 situps every morning. I know it doesn`t sound like much, but there`s only so many times one can hit the "snooze" button......
Apparently putting Alka-Seltzer in my mouth while getting baptized and pretending Iām being possessed by the devil is not funny.
Apparently, 4 people die every year trying to put their pants on... - me, explaining to my (ex)boss why I went in with no pants
no one is perfect thats why pencil have eraser
I just took the "What Kind of Asshole are You?" quiz and got "The kind that posts my results on Facebook".
Was hating my job until I drove past a grown man dressed as a Taco on the side of the road. Thanks again Perspective.
I wish I could forget you as easy as I forget my passwords.
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now Iām gonna be up all night worrying.
I eat my salad without dressing because who has time to put on clothes...
It`s amazing how different the phrases "alcohol free" and "free alcohol" are.
I like dressing in a red polo shirt then going to Target & being rude to costumers
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I fart in my sleep.
COLLEGE STUDENTS: if you`re looking for a job, your career center lists thousands of openings you don`t have enough experience for.