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Damn it. I missed the number of the day on Sesame Street and now I don`t know how many pills to take.
What`s the lowest IQ someone can have while still being a relatively full functioning adult? My wife wants to know.
I`ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
2 cops walk into a bar... I don`t know what happened after that. I got the f*ck out of there.
Every morning I check my girlfriends horoscope to see what kind of day I`m going to have.
I wish hangovers and orgasms could swap durations.
Respect your parents, they pay for your internet.
You know you are the ugly one if they ask you to take the photo.
Was up all night wondering, why do people compliment me for having all my sh!t together & yet still insult me for being full of it?
If he only wants you for your breasts, legs, and thighs; Send him to KFC by SIMO
Saw a brand new Prius totaled on my way home from work. Still had the window sticker. That would suck... Not to crash, but to drive a Prius.
“I wonder how much weight I’ve lost.” -Me, after eating one healthy meal.
I prefer to think outside the box because things can get very dark inside it.
The point of no return sounds like a fun vacation spot.
Why is "Pissed" an expression of being upset? I`ve never been so mad that I pee`d myself.