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McDonald`s should have a 3rd window, where you can trade in all the wrong sh!t they gave you at the second window.
I don’t want to sound racist, but all stormtroopers look the same to me.
Since there’s only one of me, does that make me an endangered species?
I started seeing this girl recently. She sometimes texts. Sometimes Whatsapps. Sometimes she emails. Sometimes she Facebooks. Im getting mixed messages.
Please God take me back to being 12 & let me start again & mess up my life in an entirely different way. I have fresh ideas.
Sometimes I miss being in a relationship, but then I look at my wallet and I feel alright again.
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
There is literally no way of knowing how many chameleons are in your house.
Saying you like one political party over another, is like saying one filthy whore is prettier than the other filthy whore.
If it was the other way around, I doubt one cat would take in 23 old ladies.
Someday, somewhere, somehow I’m going to do something.
If you ever come over unannounced, it`ll take me at least three minutes to answer the door because there is no way I was already wearing pants.
Okay, I am getting really irritated. This is the 5th ATM I`ve been to today that`s had "insufficient funds".
People are like snowflakes. If you piss on them they go away.
I did a terrible job preparing for my Blue Man Group audition and boy is my face red