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If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts...it would be very creepy.
Laundry is like sex in reverse: you drop in a load, everything gets wet, then rolls around and ends up dry and neatly folded.
Not sure if my dog is barking for no reason or I’m about to be murdered.
My life coach is the cashier at the liquor store.
A coworker wouldn`t stop bragging about her upcoming trip to Hawaii, so I emailed her a bunch of pictures of plane crashes.
Just hung a picture. I nailed it.
If these people don’t start giving better advice, I’m no longer going to allow them in my head.
Still waiting for a criminal on Law and Order to say,,, "Hey,, Aren`t you Ice-T?"
A friend came over visibly shaken. He said he had just slept with his 3rd cousin. I told him, if it upsets you that much quit counting them.
Uses for the plastic ruler..... 5% to draw stright lines 95 % to hit people.
My car is equipped with the best anti-theft device. I call it "No air conditioning".
DiGiorno should start delivering, just to screw with people.
You know what’s funny? Lots of sh!t so lighten the f*ck up.
I worry about people who write "taken" in their bios. Where did they go? Who took them and why aren`t we helping to find them?
When I think of all the money I`ve spent on booze in my life, I wish I had it all back. Imagine all the booze I could buy!