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He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
I don`t "get lost". I find creative ways to get places I didnt know I wanted to go.
Never say "piece of cake!" to me. Unless there is, indeed, a piece of cake involved.
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to "what would you do if you won the lottery"
Somebody needs to invent a voice-activated refrigerator on wheels.
What if cell phones are part of an elaborate plot to rid the world of phone booths so Superman has nowhere to change?
I watched the deleted scenes from a porno last night. Turns out he ended up fixing the washing machine after all.
I keep my TV volume at "screw the neighbors".
Mirrors don’t lie. And, lucky for me, they don’t laugh either.
People really need to get with the times. Smartphones are not for talking anymore.
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don`t ask her.
Wow....turns out I`m NOT a Ninja. That really hurt.
If you can read this, you`re not having sex either.
When someone wants to talk behind your back, FART!
There are only 53 days until Christmas... just a heads-up in case you haven`t shopped for me yet.