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Are nap dates a thing? Because that`s something I can work with...
Seems like my body should have better things to do than make nipple hair.
It should be standard for wedding invitations to state if there will be an open bar or not.
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they`re all like "we need to talk."
is easily distracted by shiny objects.
I got a lot more sleep back when phones were only used for calling people.
Life is like toilet paper....either you`re on a roll....or you`re taking sh*t from some asshole
Last year I won a $50 gift card to Chili`s at a Christmas raffle. ...... This year I`ve decided my Secret Santa gift is going to be a $14.37 gift card to Chili`s.
In case of fire, do not use the elevator. Use water...
That first kiss in the morning is so special, and the dog enjoys it too.
It`s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
Dear middle finger: thank you for always sticking up for me.
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs. For a second, I thought, "Should I help?" Then I thought, "No...6 should be enough."
I feel that being a smarta$$ is my duty. The pay sucks, but the work is very rewarding.
Kids teach you so many life lessons. Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.