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There would be fewer problems with children if they had to chop wood to keep the television set going.
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
Online dating is like shopping for a car online... show me the carfax!! I wanna see the history!
Ya know those scenes where the guy shoves everything off the table and throws a woman on it yeah I`ve only done that with pizza
If you watch the Twilight movies backwards, Kristen Stewart still can`t act.
The question isn’t who is going to let you; it’s who is going to stop you.
Apparently, 4 people die every year trying to put their pants on... - me, explaining to my (ex)boss why I went in with no pants
"is Pepsi ok?" - my coke dealer, tryin to be funny
I found out last night that the only thing worse than waking up 3 times to pee is sleeping right through it.
If someone tells you "it`s better than sex" they`re not doing the sex right.
I scratch my a$$ way to much to chew my fingernails...
If I`ve learned anything from the Kardashians it`s that I shouldn`t let my complete lack of talent hold me back.
Answering your cell when you don`t recognize the number is like picking up a hitchhiker.
Liam Neeson trained Batman, Obi Wan, and Darth Vader. He is both Aslan and Zeus…and he punches wolves. Why would you kidnap his family?
The secret of enjoying a good wine: 1) Open the bottle to allow it to breathe. 2) if it does not look like it`s breathing give it mouth-to_mouth