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I have a great relationship with Alcohol..
Going back to work after 12 days off is the best way to realize I should have married for money.
Are you tired of every day being the same? Congratulations, you’re an adult!
Let me check my giveashitmeter ... nope nothing.
I wish I could have the Price Is Right audience around whenever I`m making important life decisions.
I try to live by two rules: 1. Don’t make fun of stupid people (they cant help it) 2. Don’t be stupid (people will make fun of you)
The monent of triumph when your bag is the first off the plane.
"Have you been drinking . sir?" asks the policeman. "Go Pikachu! Thunderbolt!" "Sir, did you just throw a hamster at my head?"
If wookies have a 400 year life span, then Han Solo is basically like Chewbacca`s third dog.
Anything can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
This cashier looked at my 12 bottles of weed spray so weirdly, I suspect she`s never broken a lawnmower before.
Frankly auto correct,I`m getting tired of your shirt.
Just saw the first duckface of Spring.
My grandfather once waited in line for 36 hours to get a loaf of bread and I can`t wait two seconds for a Youtube video to load.
I hate it when I fill my blowup doll with helium and then she plays hard to get...