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The best nicknames are the ones you don’t even know you have.
I have short term memory. I also like to fish. Also, I have short term memory.
When anyone ask me to babysit, I ask if their kid is a "mean drunk" or a "happy drunk." Gets me out of it every time.
I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.
I’m classically trained in the art of Nintendo.
Remember when there was more important crap to do besides Facebook all day? Me neither.
Some days, the best thing about my job is that the chair spins.
I just awesomed all over the place.
On your birthday I think the Airlines should let you exit the plane on the inflatable slide.
It`s everyone`s favorite holiday season where we try to guess if that was a firework or gunshot
Don’t confuse my personality with my attitude. My personality is who I am. My attitude depends on who you are.
If you touch your phone in the right places, a pizza will arrive at your door.
They should just go ahead and put a volume setting on my TV that says "Eating Doritos".
I’ve finally decided to do something about my weight ... Lie.
To a cop, doing donuts in a parking lot has a whole different meaning.