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It`s called instant messaging for a reason. ..if I wanted to wait a week for a reply, I`d of sent a bloody letter
I mixed coffee with Red Bull today..I got half way to work when I realized I forgot my car!
Whenever I hear the phrase `anything is possible`, I giggle and think about someone trying to slam a revolving door :)
Wives are just security guards hellbent on denying you access to your happiness, and porn collection.
Velcro is a ripoff
Facebook: Wasting peoples lives since 2004
I feel like there’s something missing in my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
My anaconda really doesn`t care if you got buns or not.
If at first you don`t succeed, find out where she lives.
Why does it have to be bacon OR sausage?
You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment when you know that you aren’t going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
Everyone’s beautiful on the inside. Some people just need a few good stab holes to let that beauty out.
I can`t believe people used to have to paint selfies.
Why do people at home on TV have their pants on?
I refuse to take a single bite of my food until I find something good on TV.