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Apparently, you can only say "look at you! You got so big!" to children,,, old girlfriends tend to get offended.
I get in this weird mood where I don`t want to talk to anybody and just want to be left alone. I call this mood `Awake`
I think all priuses are gay transformers living here on earth
It`s unfortunate that most people will never run out of things to say.
Why is it called a menstrual calendar and not an egg timer?
Don`t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.
One of my female friend is reading a book called "Learn to drive in a week" for the last 3 years.
When I was a kid... No wait. I still do that.
My coworkers will stand around confused during a fire drill but the office turns into the Hunger Games when there`s lunch brought in for everyone
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
Can you imagine if Facebook and Twitter just decided to shut down and you see all these confused people coming out of their house squinting at the sun.
I will probably die as a result of being sarcastic to the wrong person at the wrong time.
The grass isn’t always greener on the other side. It’s greener where you water it.
No matter how many gross facts you tell me about McDonald’s I’m still gonna eat it.
I asked my wife if we could get a hot young nanny. Of course she got mad and said "No!". For one thing, we don`t have any kids...