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Ziploc`s idea of how big a sandwich should be is very different than mine.
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys.
I don`t have any "driving the speed limit" music.
I like to drink while I clean and that`s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
My need for caffeine is so bad I`m going to AA for the free coffee
Tonight`s good mood is sponsored by ... Beer!!
My mind is exceptionally quiet.... I am suspicious that I am up to something I don`t want myself to know about.
No need to thank me for accepting your friend request. We`ll both regret it soon enough.
Still hoping that one day I get to ride a kayak while it’s strapped to the top of someone’s car.
Women have a lot more experience dealing with bloodstains than men. Men are convicted of murder a lot more than women. Coincidence?
Girls who don`t get naked when you`re drunk.. Explain yourselves.
Drunk me absolutely loves creating awkward encounters for sober me.
My girlfriend is gorgeous, selfless, graceful, highly intelligent and looking over my shoulder as I type.
Ever notice how it`s never your successful friends posting inspirational quotes?
Just burned 3 calories typing this with my thumb muscles. #fitness