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I like to friend friends of friends then unfriend the first friend to freak out the friend of a friend.
says, I am not an alcoholic. I am a social drinker. Problem is, I socialize too much!
I`m thankful for many things, but mostly that there were no camera phones when I was in high school.
Never trust anyone who says “Im not supposed to tell anyone but”
The scariest US president was Rushmore, because he had 4 heads
I don`t have a drinking problem, I just celebrate everything! Like the fact that shirts have armholes, I`ll be celebrating that tonight.
I`ve always pictured myself taking selfies.
My hearing is fine. There`s no need to repeat yourself! I ignored you perfectly well the first time.
Monday: A terrible way to spend 1/7 of your life.
They should open a bar and call it "The Gym" so I can be like those annoying people on Facebook who brag about going to the gym every day.
If cartoons can wear the same clothes everyday then so can I, dammit!
My boss acts like during March Madness is the only time we`re less productive. Its cute
I don`t want to brag, but I`m single-handedly responsible for 86% of the rules in the Employee Handbook at work.
If women kept their feelings to themselves would they explode? Guess we`ll never know.
It’s not what you wear; it’s how you take it off.