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Why are there stitch marks on zombies? Who the heck is giving them medical attention?!
FACT: If you want to keep a secret from me, put it inside a Facebook event invitation.
If it were easy then everyone would act like me.
Sometimes I wish I was full of pizza instead of emotions.
Why does the girl in the Wendy`s commercials have Ronald McDonalds hair?
There are times, when I actually am hungry like the wolf. But thanks to Duran Duran I can`t tell anyone without sound like a complete f*cking idiot
I am now convinced that the homeless people have all of the shopping carts that do not have the wobbly wheels.
Why is it the less money someone makes the better they are at reproducing?
My fitness goal is just to get down to the weight that I lied about on my drivers license.
When the only light in your world is suddenly gone …it’s time to recharge your phone.
Life is hard ... It`s harder if you`re stupid.
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn. And now we wait....
I was just watching Ladies Beach volleyball and there`s already been a wrist injury.. No worries, I should be okay in a couple of days..
Sometimes I wonder if the kid in the Dreamworks logo has caught a fish yet.
Just once, I would like to wake up, turn on the news, and hear... "Monday has been canceled, go back to sleep."