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Wedding: The really expensive party taking place relatively 5-10 years before your divorce.
I`m changing my voicemail greeting to: Please hang up and text me, thanks. ;)
I really should learn to say "congratulations" instead of "are you keeping it?"
You think you are too small to make a difference? then you have never spent a single night with a mosquito.
I have been tagged and poked so many times today, I may not be able to walk tomorrow.
My life is just one long improvisation.
You took the time to make your minivan look like a reindeer, but you can`t take one second to hit the turn signal an inch from your fingers?
I forgive and forget, because I have a good heart, and a terrible memory.
I went for a run tonight. Sure, it was a beer run, but I did break a sweat.
Everything I need to know in life I learned in kindergarten... if you poop your pants they let you go home.
Some days you`re the Titanic, some days you`re the iceberg, and some days you`re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
You ever think that maybe the reason geese are always honking is because they`re flying too close together?
Thanksgiving is a great time to test the boundaries of how drunk you can get before your family members notice.
If you think your girlfriend has a great sense if humor, try leaving a trail of rose petals leading to a sink full of dirty dishes.
The point of no return sounds like a fun vacation spot.