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Do you ever think that if it weren`t for someone smoking Marijuana they might of killed you already. . .
Do gun manuals have Trouble Shooting sections?
Designated drivers just drive me to drink.
You’d think with as much time women spend looking at their ass in the mirror, they would be able to reverse into a parking spot.
Technically, I don`t have to do anything until my wife wakes up and realizes I`m not doing anything.
To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money. On the plus side, he makes a great Subway sandwich.
No one in my family has ever actually used the Olive Garden gift card. We just keep passing it down from generation to generation.
I have an alcohol problem, in that I can`t afford any.
Today`s interpretive dance was brought to you by "Spider On My Shirt". Up next we have "Oh jeeze, where did it go?!"
All my life I`ve wanted to learn to juggle. I just never had the balls to do it.
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
I always dress up when I try to cook. The odds of me starting a fire are pretty high and I want to make sure I look good for the firemen.
If I can’t act weird around you, I’m sorry we can’t be friends.
I want to meet the guy at Hewlett Packard who decides how many minutes of strange noises their printers make before printing 1 page.
I bought a little bag of air today, and the company that made it were kind enough to put some potato chips in it.