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Anyone who believes that children are our future has not been to a mall recently.
thinks there are times when your the most beautiful girl in the world, and there are times when I’m sober.
Relationship status: I get the remote to myself!
People who try to test my patience don`t realize it`s an exam I don`t plan on passing
I just drink until the sadness becomes hilarious.
Nothing says poor life choices like the guy with the half smoked cigarette behind his ear
She might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty`s only a light switch away.
Plastic Surgery is Photoshop for people who go outside.
If you rearrange the letters of "postmen" they get really pissed off.
My Ex updated her status to "standing on the edge of a cliff" So I "poked" her!
I keep an identical glass of vodka next to the glass of water on my bedside table for a refreshing morning game of Russian Roulette
The downside of being a bomb disposal technician. It takes 6 hours to open Christmas gifts.
That awkward moment when your trapped in the corner of your shower because the hot water ran out.
Facebook is the reason why my work is not done.
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music”... but when I do it, I’m “wasted” and “have to leave Home Depot"