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I bought a Christmas tree today and the guy asked me `Will you be putting it up yourself?` I told him, `No, you sicko, it`s going in the living room!`
"Fidget Spinners are so dumb pointless." -The generation that purchased over 5 million Pet Rocks.
Women are fascinated by mythical creatures like unicorns, vampires, and men who are good listeners.
Why don`t we ever hear anyone bragging about their Allstate safe driving bonus checks?
Sadly, I don`t think anyone has Wang Chunged once tonight... :(
I asked my mom for money and she said "Does it look like I am made of money?" I said "Well isn`t that what M.O.M stands for?"
We`re all here because we`re not all there...
If you don`t give a f*ck then why you telling everybody?
Whenever there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
When I get a call from an unknown number I answer by whispering: "It`s done, but there`s blood everywhere!"
How to cure a headache: 1. Drink a glass of water. 2. Take 10 deep breathes. 3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
Dear IRS…I would like an itemized receipt showing me exactly how every one of my tax dollars is being spent. Thanks.
Having a dirty mind makes simple conversation much more exciting!
There`s a time and a place for non-alcoholic beer. Never, and down the drain.
How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two, but the more important question is, how did they get in there in the first place?