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First fart at my new job.
People of planet Earth, thank your gods that I`m not in charge of the red button.
I`ve gotten to that age where nothing fits right anymore. Even my birthday suit looks like it needs ironing...
If I saw a ghost, I would not be scared. I’d be like “Sit your translucent ass down, I have a lot of questions!”
Yeah, I was dropped as a baby. Into a pool of sheer awesome.
I don`t like the term "stalker". I prefer "unpaid private investigator".
If I had a time machine I`d set it to "back in the day", just to see what everyone is talking about.
If you are willing to date an ex, it means that you`re backwards compatible.
Did I already do my deja vu joke?
Life is basically one long, terrible date with yourself.
I was wondering why my doctor gave me LSD for my constipation, then I saw a dragon and crapped myself.
Just picked the remote up off the floor with my feet while lying on the couch, so I guess today was leg day...
It`s amazing what you can accomplish when you do stuff.
The hardest things about beginning any new relationship has got to be learning how to fart quietly again.
I want a man who loves me for my personality. Is it really to much to ask, I mean I do have several to pick from.