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3 things I will never understand: 1. The meaning of life. 2. The universe. 3. How Spongebob & Patrick made those sounds effects in that box.
I made a p@nis out of Legos. A literal c*ck block.
Marriage. Because your sh!tty day doesn`t have to end at work.
Nipples (noun) - the body`s way of telling you the weather
When I was a kid and was going to "get it" that was bad. Now I`m an adult and I`m going to "get it" :)
Life gets expensive when you trust a cute woman.
In a 500-day period I could theoretically meet someone, get married, have a baby, and get divorced–and yet I’d still be using the same box of Q-tips.
I get my cardio from caffeine...
The difference between a straight girl and a lesbian is about four or five drinks.
mermaids swim by twerking do you ever just think about that
Did you know? If you put your finger in your ear and scratch, it sounds like Packman!
I woke up early this morning with the strange desire to get up and exercise. Fortunately I rolled over and closed my eyes really tight and the feeling went away.
I love Ebay. Sold my homing pigeon 8 times last month.
I`ve run out of things to be upset about. I hope Justin Bieber has kids soon.
Honking your horn is fun but rolling down your window and screaming “honk” at people is just way more satisfying.