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You notice how no faith-healers have stepped forward to help out with the ebola crisis in Africa......
Life is better when you can share it with a friend that has the same sick, twisted personality as yourself.
My 14 year old sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added "not in your pajamas". So I`m wearing hers because good moms listen.
How to break up with someone: You: Your ex is attractive. Partner: Which one? You: ME. You: BYEEEE
The scariest US president was Rushmore, because he had 4 heads
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Adding "and sh!t" to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and sh!t.
Facebook.. reminds me a lot of high school. Full of alcohol, drugs, jealousy, sexual frustration and a bunch of boobs I`ll never get to touch.
Picking up someone at a bar when you`re drunk, is like going to the grocery store hungry... You end up taking home crap you didn`t want
My dinner stomach is full, but my dessert stomach still has room.
People say 60 is the new 40 but the cop who just pulled me over doesn`t agree.
"Can`t touch this." ... "Can`t touch this." ... "Can`t touch this."--MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
Anything is legal when there`s no police around
Of course I know right from wrong. Wrong is the fun one.