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Today I gave up procrastination for Lent.
A wireless bra? They weren`t tricky enough, now I need a password?
I want my next girl to be crazy but more "Lets have sex in public" crazy rather than "I throw hot coffee in your face" crazy.
Dear axe body spray, Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles. Best regards, Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
Don`t tell me what to do unless you`re naked.
I can read Spanish, Chinese, Russian and Italian. As long as it`s written in english.
Coffee, you`re on the bench ... Alcohol suit up!!
When I was a kid, I wanted to be an adult. So yeah...kids are stupid.
I’M ENGAGED…..to be hungover tomorrow.
I like superheroes but I`d rather hang out with the villains.
If I didn`t drink, how would everyone know how much I love them at 2am?
I wouldn`t say I`m a stalker so much as I am a covert observation enthusiast.
I will be forever in your debt if you would just loan me 1 million dollars.
Hi, you`ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
I have two words for this week. BEER ME!!!