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McDonald`s should have a 3rd window, where you can trade in all the wrong sh!t they gave you at the second window.
I always read my wife`s Horoscope to see what kind of day I`M going to have...!!
I want the job where you push scared skydivers out of a plane
says, I am not an alcoholic. I am a social drinker. Problem is, I socialize too much!
The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.
I don`t mind people sneezing in public. It`s that "Pre-sneeze face" they make that scares the hell out of me.
I know it`s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you`re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
if ever you need NOTHING, im here for you.
"I wanna f*ck you so hard right now." "What?!?" "Damn autocorrect, I meant hey."
Found out today you cannot join a gym "just to watch".
I wonder if anyone has watched Storage Wars and said, "Hey, that`s my stuff!"?
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, "where should I put my pants"? "Over there by mine", was not the answer I was expecting.
Silence is Golden, unless you`re married.. Then Silence is Suspicious.
If I`m ever in the hospital on Life Support, don`t just pull the plug. Pull it and plug it back in. Basically, see if you can reboot me.
Pro tip: Go the the gym on one of those 1 day free passes, take 365 selfies then post one every day.