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Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.
So after an hour of playing Paper, Rock, Scissors, we decided to call it a tie. Good game, mirror!
It’s always hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they’re always taking things literally.
The awkward moment when you have 10 tabs open and cannot figure out which one the music is coming from.
The best time to reexamine your life is when you find yourself reluctantly nodding to the questions asked at the start of an infomercial.
I am so thankful and grateful that out of all the planets in the universe, we live on one with pizza and vodka.
It’s what’s on the inside that counts, unless you’re talking about one of those hollow chocolate bunnies.
More celebrities should donate blood. I mean, imagine having the blood of Will Smith running through your veins.
"Well, now I see how you came up with the word `Microsoft`." -Melinda Gates (on their wedding night)
Some guy waved to me and then walked up and said, “Sorry, I thought you were someone else.” .... I said, “I am.”
I bet the guy at the urinal next to me is now rethinking his decision to wear flip flops today.
No thank you, I don`t need a coaster. I won`t be putting my drink down.
I just want to be rich enough to pay people to not talk to me.
Sometimes I listen to strangers conversations and mentally give my opinion
If two donuts are stuck together it counts as one right?