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Perhaps your whole purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others
Dear liver…. Here is an advance sorry for tonight… sincerely Jimmy…
I hate when I go to pump gas only to find out that the little metal "handle hold up thingy" is broken, so I have actually squeeze and hold the handle. I hate it for two reasons: 1) its gross and i just wanna peel my hand skin off like gloves when im done. 2) it makes me realize how lazy I am.
went to see the conjuring, and now there`s 10 crosses, four bibles, and a poster of Chuck Norris in my room.
Unless your kid’s fundraiser is selling booze, I want no part of it.
It would be a lot easier to drink the recommended 64oz of water a day if it was beer.
I’m supporting our troops today by going commando.
Do you ever feel like you`re in Season 5 of your life, and the writers are just doing outrageous stuff to keep it interesting?
I`m working harder than an ugly stripper!!
Now that I know how many calories there are in a pint of beer , I have decided to stop eating.
Being sick is your bodies way of saying “Hey, you really need to catch up on some TV”.
From 8am until 12pm, my job basically pays me to think about what I am going to have for lunch
The best time to re-examine your life is when you find yourself reluctantly nodding to the questions asked at the start of an infomercial.
I procrastinate so much I’ll probably put off death and never die.
I did a terrible job preparing for my Blue Man Group audition and boy is my face red