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Why would I ever pay to go to a NASCAR event when I could get drunk beside the interstate and cheer for cars for free?
I found $80 in my jeans. The kid in me says "Buy Nerf guns and candy", but the adult in me says "Buy vodka, Nerf guns and candy".
I hate it when I`m in a crowded elevator and yell out "GROUP HUG!" and people look at me all weird and stuff.. Making friends is hard.
I just don`t have enough middle fingers for today.
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
This is why my kids dont take me places anymore ... Waitress: “Do u have any questions about the menu?” Me: ” Yes, What kind of font is this?”
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I`m sobering up.
Statistically, I`ve come to the conclusion that I`m going to hell in multiple religions.
When plastic bags become currency, I will be king.
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work. I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
The 21st century: When deleting history is more important than making it.
Most of my colleagues and friends can`t spell colleagues or friends.
I guess if you spoke your mind, you´d be speechless, huh?
This day needs more yesterday.
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned. She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.