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Apparently, you can only say "look at you! You got so big!" to children,,, old girlfriends tend to get offended.
How do I tell my boss I don`t want to do work anymore but still want money.
When I see people jogging outside I like to drive behind them slowly blasting Eye of the Tiger for motivation.
Apparently it was a bad idea to ask Siri, "What do women want?" She`s been talking for the last 2 days and doesn`t seem ready to shut up anytime soon.
I`m looking for a new personal trainer, the last one didn`t work out
Jehovah`s Witnesses, Improving my hiding skills since 1974.
Dude, I can`t post AND know when the light turns green. I`m pretty, not magical.
To be honest, I´m just fishing for compliments tonight.
Just once, I`d like to clock out from work by sliding down a dinosaur.
Do you think the dude that invented the breathalyzer has any friends left?
What`s cardio, and can I eat it?
I got up this morning and think I saw my shadow. I´m going back to bed for six weeks.
What is depression? Depression is when you buy a new hula-hoop and it fits you.
You care so much about me? Keep that sh*t to yourself i got my demons under control
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.