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If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I`d choke to death swallowing it.
Not sure if my dog is barking for no reason or I’m about to be murdered.
If you are used to seeing a fat, naked guy walk around his house, then you are probably my neighbor.
Sometimes I feel as though my life should be documented for future generations.
I saw a chameleon today. I guess it was a pretty crappy chameleon.
Somewhere in America, a woman has a baby every 47 minutes. We`ve got to find this woman and stop her!
I like my women like I like my motorcycles. Not ridden by all my friends.
If I`ve learned anything from these ghost hunter shows, it’s that everyone speaks English after they die.
I saw a book titled Learning To Read For Dummies. At first I thought that sounded insulting, but then I realized anybody who would be insulted by that title wouldn`t even know what it says.
Cops love donuts…. just not when you do them on a four lane highway.
My life is spent trying to get people to give me the silent treatment.
If my ceiling fan could hold my weight, I`d never be bored again.
A cop pulled me over and said ``Papers...`` So I said, ``Scissors, I win!`` and drove off like a boss!
My ex said he would die for me. All I`m saying is, it was his suggestion.
I’m trisexual, as in, I’ll try to have sex with you.