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I swear I`m allergic to alcohol. Every time I drink I seem to break out in handcuffs.
I`m the crazy bitch you`ll never forget.
I don`t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
Of all the lies I`ve told in my life, "Just kidding" is my favorite.
Walmart made plans to hire 100,000 U.S. Veterans. Which can only mean one thing: Walmart is going to invade Costco.
I`m afraid of a world run by adults who were never spanked as kids and got trophies just for participating.
Just once I want my boss to assume I`m tired in the morning because I fight crime all night, not because of all the booze I drank.
The bad news is I don’t know what I’m doing with my life. The good news is I no longer give a crap.
Why doesn`t someone invent a clear toaster? Then you could see how toasted your toast is while it`s toasting.
Dear eyelashes, wishbones, dandelions, pennies, shooting stars, 11:11, and birthday candles ... Do your damn job.
If it`s the thought that counts ... Then I should probably be in jail
I`ll admit I`m not perfect but what did the horse I rode in on do?
A morning text from me doesn`t mean "good morning". It means "I`m having very dirty thoughts about you right now".
When people introduce themselves to me for the first time, I tell them, "Yes, we`ve met before." So they feel awkward trying to remember me
I love giving orders. My favorite is "Another one. And make it a double."