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Married sext: I’m not wearing any underwear, because you never put the f*cking laundry in the dryer like I asked you to 100 times.
The statement ‘Hey! Calm down!’ has a zero to no success rate of getting someone to calm down.
Getting back with your ex is like taking a shower and putting back on your dirty underwear.
my 2012 new year’s resolution is to be more optimistic by keeping my cup half-full with either rum, vodka, or whiskey.
I pretend to like people everyday. It`s called being an adult. That`s why we`re allowed to buy booze.
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
Some days your the duck. Some days your the goose.
Save water. Shower with me. ;)
I have reliable inside information about Apple`s next product. I will not be able to afford it.
I`m not necessarily saying that I am or am not a super hero, but I do occasionally stand with my hands on my hips.
Whenever I delete an App on my iPhone, The shaking icons make me feel like they`re all panicked over who`s getting deleted.
Some days I feel about as useful as the pants in Donald Duck`s closet.
You know what the trouble with jogging is...by the time you realize you`re not in shape for it, it`s too far to walk back.
At least I know it wasn`t just me that was wondering if the cashier was a man or a woman. I just wish that my 5 year old didn`t ask.
I`m awesome ... Don`t question it, just deal with it.