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Never, ever ask a woman if she`s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
The difference between “like” “love” and “in love” is the same as the difference between “for now” “for a while” and “forever”
I`ve disappointed a lot of people in my life, you`re not special.
If I told you I loved you, would you believe me or just stand there freaking out about me being in your closet?
We should bury everyone upside down so if they come back as zombies they’ll dig the wrong way.
A recent survey of one person reveals that 100% of me thinks I should leave work early.
Sometimes you`ve got to ask yourself: `Why am I talking to myself?`
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
You know that 200-foot high expansion bridge you drove over today? Just remember that it was built by the lowest bidder.
Don`t sugar-coat it, I`ll just lick that off....
I don`t drink to get drunk, I drink to.....no wait, I definitely drink to get drunk.
I always like seeing those "Baby on Board" stickers because it`s nice to see agreeable babies out there.
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
I own a shop selling `CLOSED` signs. We haven`t had a single customer today.
9 of 10 voices in my head telI me I `m crazy. One hums ...