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I thought we had something. You met my family, made us dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
I have over 500 facebook friends, and i want to say that i love you all...except for number 376 ..you`re a real a@@hole!!
For the record when I was a kid I never wanted to be an adult.
Your selfie would be way better if you weren`t in it.
Every morning I check my girlfriends horoscope to see what kind of day I`m going to have.
Hey people who buy bottled water for their dogs, can I have some money?
The problem with plants is that you have to water them… like more than once apparently.
If I say “it’s a great day to be alive,” it’s because those are literally my only plans.
“Oh boy, I can’t wait to be productive today.” – said no one ever
When everything else fails... you always have delusion.
It should be a rule that if you dress up like a red hair clown , you get a free happy meal at McDonalds .....I`ll pay this time , but I`m not happy ... !!
People who enjoy life, rarely have a flat stomach.
People think I`m a hugger, but I`m actually shaking them down for snacks.
Procrastination............I`ll make a joke about it later.