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I thought the voices in my head actually liked me until I found out they learned sign language just so they could talk sh*t about me.
Today is Friday the 13th. Try not to be a teenage girl in her underwear at night at a deserted summer camp today.
Do handjobs from girls who speak sign language count as blowjobs
Just been wondering what "please Do Not Touch" would be in Braille
My kids are the reason I wake up every morning. Really freaking early. Every...Single...Morning...
This year rather than candy for your valentine why not liquor instead.
Your secrets are safe with me because I zone out everytime you speak.
If anyone ever tells you your dreams are silly, remember there’s some millionaire walking around who invented the Pool Noodle.
Still have my French Maid costume in case any of you have a dirty house. I`ll be happy to sit there and look sexy while your wife cleans....
If I was a Chinese millionaire I would change my name to Cha Ching.
Facebook is not all about likes and shares. . . Like and share if you agree.
I got in touch with my inner child and the little sh!t hung up on me.
When we were kids, we didn`t have Pokemon Go. If we wanted to look for things that weren`t there, we would get stoned like normal people.
Some families are like Snickers Bars. Mostly sweet, with a few nuts!
It’s not my fault God gave you boobs to stare at.