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Sadly, the opposite sex is ignoring me like a check engine light.
I`m proud of anyone who has quit doing drugs and alcohol, I don`t want to hang out with you now but I`m still proud...
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone. I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
How many calories does swearing like a motherf*cker burn?
My short-term memory is my ONLY problem..... Well, that, and my short-term memory
Relationships are like yard sales. They look good from a distance, but once you get there it`s just a bunch of sh!t you don`t really need.
Why is the guy who serves you at the restaurant called a waiter, when it is you that is waiting?
It`s impossible to get a parking ticket if you don`t have windshield wipers.
Still haven`t cashed in my winning megamillions ticket...scared the $6 will make my friends treat me different.
I’ve been texting so much lately that I move my thumbs from side to side when I’m actually talking to someone.
Coffee eyedrops! Another million dollar idea.
So apparently airport security doesn`t like it when you call shotgun before boarding a plane.
I was born to be happy… not normal.
Defies physics: I eat half a pound of food, `purge` 1 pound of it, and then gain five pounds because of it-- WTF?
So, All my exes live in Texas; Exactly, how does one go about scheduling a tornado ?