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Christmas is just like any other day in the workplace, you work your butt off and the fat guy with a suit gets all the credit.
I f*cking hate you. Hope that clears things up.
Women`s magazines are so funny. 1: You`re beautiful and perfect just the way you are! 2: How to lose 20 pounds in 10 days.
Women seem to want security. At least that`s what they yell whenever I approach them.
Sometimes not being in control is the most awesome feeling in the world.
When I see ads on TV with smiling, happy housewives using a new cleaning product, the only thing I want to buy are the meds they must be on.
So this guy with a premature ejaculation problem comes out of nowhere.
Asking a guy, "Are you done with that?" & pointing to his girlfriend, is frowned upon. Apparently.
I saw some footage of some polar bears drinking water today. It’s obviously fake. Everybody knows they only drink Coca-Cola.
If you tickle me, I’m not responsible for your injuries.
When I was a kid, I wanted to be a Pilot...but apparently I was too young.
To avoid being eaten by Zombies go to "settings", "public", and uncheck the box that says "Facebook users taste like chicken"
My sex life is like a Ferrari ... I don`t have a Ferrari
There`s a pretty good chance I`ll end up being one of those senior citizens who randomly bites people...
You call it reckless driving, I call it searching for my lighter.