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You guys can laugh at my cargo pants all you want, but I just walked out of Taco Bell with 350 sauce packets.
When I see people jogging outside I like to drive behind them slowly blasting Eye of the Tiger for motivation.
Stop asking why I’m still single. I don’t ask how you’re still married.
Hold that pose. My camera is ringing.
The whole purpose of vacationing is to make you appreciate knowing where the channels are at home.
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
To honor Thanksgiving this month I will be calling every one Pilgrim instead of Dude or Bro-- Fair warning
Of course I`m a good mother ... They`re still alive aren`t they.
I did a half hour on the treadmill each day last week. This week, I`m up to 1 hour a day. I`m slowly building up to actually turning it on some time in the future.
At a wedding reception I recently attended someone said, "All the married men please stand next to the person who has made your life worth living." The bartender was nearly crushed to death.
Smoke a joint before hitting a buffet to really get your money`s worth...Just saying.
The beeping noise from microwave is always 100x’s louder at night.
Just saw a guy checking out my wife. Good luck buddy. I’m married to her and I don’t even have a chance.
Me in a shopping mall: "I like that stuff" *looks at pricetag* "i don`t like it anymore"
Birth control pills should really be made for men. It makes more sense to unload a gun than to shoot a bulletproof vest.