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You know you`ve won the argument when the other person responds with "Whatever..."
I love finding money in my clothes. It`s like a gift to me... from me. :)
Just once...one time; can`t we buy a tree that doesn`t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
Alcohol goes in ... Happiness comes out.
If I weren´t such an alcoholic I would throw my drink in your face
I remember my single days like it was 11 years, 1 month, and 12 days ago.
You know you`re getting old when cops make you feel safe instead of nervous.
buying an old Mercedes Benz so that people may think you have been rich all along
I guarantee there`s a pregnant teenager somewhere who thinks `Ebola` would be a lovely name for their child.
The hour that we lose this weekend is the one that I was planning on going to the gym.
Mom: Clean your room. We`re having guests over for dinner. Me: I didn`t realize that dinner will be held in my room.
The key to a successful relationship: Tools > Internet Options > Clear history.
I checked my horoscope today and all I can say is ...WOW!! I`m a Taurus and I looked it up and sure enough,it says I was born between 4/21-5/21!! Well played horoscope, well played.
I just discovered my oven CAN CLEAN ITSELF! Naturally I will be searching my apartment looking for similar buttons.
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they`ll fill your antidepressants faster.