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I might not be a great example, but I´m one hell of a good warning.
My girlfriend says I talk while I sleep... but I`m skeptical. Nobody at work has ever mentioned it.
My New Year’s resolution is to climb Mount Everest, learn 7 new languages, and stop lying.
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I`m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point when she turned around and found out I was walking her home.
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she`s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
"I`d hit that!" -Helpful blackjack dealer
The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase Regards again.
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you`re interested by repeatedly asking "why doesn`t our lawn ever look that nice?"
Trying to get in shape for all those people I`m not having sex with.
My wife told me I have to quit playing poker all the time but I think she`s bluffing...
Missing my childhood super-powers, when I could sleep on the couch and wake up in bed.
Me: I must be out of my mind. Me: You and me both.
My Son: The marriage vows say "tell death do us part", so we are not married in heaven ? Me: That`s right son, cause if we were still married, we`d be in hell.