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Don`t ask me for advice, my answer is always get them drunk.
Those kids in the Trix commercials were real jerks. Why couldn’t they just share their cereal with the rabbit?
My life is a constant battle between my love of food and not wanting to get fat.
That awkward moment when your sarcasm is so advanced people think you`re stupid.
I found $80 in my jeans. The kid in me says "Buy Nerf guns and candy", but the adult in me says "Buy vodka, Nerf guns and candy".
Those friends who like and at the same time unlike my statuses please you`re increasing my blood pressure!
When I die, I want people to say, "That guy owed me a lot of money"
The proper way to use a stress ball is to throw it at the last person to piss you off
Tip of the day: When the cop asks you if you had anything to drink in the last 24 hours, do NOT ask them for the time... trust me
I didn’t scream out someone else’s name during sex. I was thinking of baby names in case you get pregnant…
You never know how dirty a song`s lyrics are until you hear a child sing them.
Social media is great if you like socializing without wearing pants.
What do you mean I should be more productive? Do you think this cocktail made itself?
Due to the economic crisis and ever increasing price of food, the 5 second drop rule has now been increased to 10.
I`m the perfect man if you don`t factor in looks, depth of character, emotional availability, intelligence or financial well being.