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I spent an hour at Walmart last night.. I can now totally disprove evolution.. O_o
I`ll act my age when I`m 69..
Are you free tonight, or will it cost me?
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more North.
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
If jail isn`t supposed to be fun, why do they get bunk beds?
Admit it, at some point in time you’ve tried to see if you had superpowers.
The key to a long relationship: Keep the fights clean and the sex dirty.
I just got an email telling me how I can have fuller, firmer breasts. I can`t wait to show them to my wife!!
I am a brilliant man, I just sometimes can`t remember where I parked my car.
Good morning friends … Wait … what the hell m I doing up this early?
I`m a nonviolent person until I see a spider. Then I turn into Al Capone and "I want him DEAD! I want his family DEAD! I want his house burned to the GROUND!
It is impossible to simultaneously keep up a) hope and b) with the Kardashians.
Some people come into your life as blessings, others come into your life as lessons.
"My place is a mess" - Every girl, ever.... "Well in that case, I`m not coming in" - No guy, ever.