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If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
I can`t even tell what this thing in my fridge use to be.
Funny how drinking 8 glasses of water a day seems impossible, but 8 beers, and 6 shots, go down like a fat kid on a see-saw.
A man in front of me at Walmart is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life he wishes she had sent him for tampons!
There’s really no reason to repeat yourself. I ignored you just fine the first time.
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
Let`s be honest, Dos Equis. After a bunch of ANY beer, what guy DOESN`T think he`s the most interesting man in the world?
You know it`s cold outside when during rush hour you get the mitten instead of the finger.
Lower your expectations and I will totally amaze you.
If I`m ever in the hospital on Life Support, don`t just pull the plug. Pull it and plug it back in. Basically, see if you can reboot me.
I’m going to start wearing Summer’s Eve as a cologne. The vast majority of beautiful women seem to be attracted to douches.
The only reason any of us can spell laboratory is because of Dexter.
If you walk a mile in my shoes the least you can do is leave a pair of yours to wear.
Taco Tuesday sends a terrible message to our nation`s children. They need to know that tacos are always an option no matter what day it is.
I feel sorry for people who take everything way too seriously.