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I joined weight watchers last month, so far I lost 38 dollars...
I drink to make other people interesting
I like to dump Skittles in the toilet and then flush it because it looks like a little tiny NASCAR race.
They say a woman’s work is never done. Maybe that’s why they get paid less.
Note to Self: Next time I leave my wife a message that I`m in a threesome all afternoon, specify it`s golf.
There`s no law against twerking...but apparently it`s still frowned upon during jury duty.
never judges a book by its cover. I use the paragraph on the back, it tells you what the story is about.
What idiot decided to call them marijuana dispensaries and not grass stations?
Just got a fortune cookie with no fortune in it ... Sounds about right for this Monday
Every night before bed I do this cute little thing where I stare at the Internet for 6.5 hours
If lemons hand you life, you’re probably dyslexic
If there`s a bar where everybody knows your name, you`re probably an alcoholic.
How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it.
"I can`t wait to have you inside me," I whispered softly to my dinner.
I just wanna be the reason your doctor puts you on a new medication.