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Girls become instant best friends when they find out they hate the same people.
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
Funny how 8 glasses of water a day seems impossible, but 8 beers a day seems so easy
For all of you who gossip about me: Thanks for making me the center of your world.
At least clean up the bathroom before taking your profile picture.
My sleep number is 151 ... Bacardi 151
When the sign says: DO NOT TOUCH I read: Touch when nobody is looking.
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old. So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
The true definition of safe sex is having a padded headboard.
Your secrets are safe with me because I zone out everytime you speak.
When you say "9 out of 10 forest fires are caused by humans." All I hear is "there`s a bear out there that knows how to use matches."
Being an adult is mostly waiting to leave places you didn`t want to go to in the first place.
If you don`t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
People without kids: I`ll never yell at my kids ... People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD, JUST WALK!
My life coach just informed me that I didnt make the team