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I carry a knife, but it’s just in case of cake.
Hey! Did any of you see my........ Oh ! Never mind... :D How much of you said that before? heee heee hee!
Most people donate to the homeless. Me? I donate to the topless.
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
If you can`t remember my name, just say `donuts`.... I`ll turn around and look.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
What doesn`t kill you makes you have lots of hospital bills.
Marriage. The world`s oldest form of identity theft.
Objects in spandex are larger than they appear
According to Debrah in HR, "Back up off my balls" is not the proper way to tell someone to wait for assistance.
This century is already 15% over.
You know who your true friends are when they call you at 3AM just to tell you they love you and that their drunk...
When ever I think about the past...It brings back so many memories
My Facebook account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
I was at the hospital earlier today and saw a cute girl with a cast on her leg. Naturally, my first thought was "Hey, this one can`t run away..."