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I really shouldn`t have driven home from the bar last night. ..Especially since I walked there. :)
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
when my swear jar gets full I`m going to use the money to buy a f*cking puppy
In-laws the reason why I`d never get married..
I bet if the movie "mirrors" releases part 3, the 1st victim will die while trying to take a selfie
Just give me coffee and no one gets hurt.
My life is just a series of awkward moments separated by snacks.
"Let`s eat, get drunk and watch people exercise" - sports fans
Who`s further now, the Energizer Bunny or Voyager 1?
99% of people are stupid. Luckily, I`m part of the other 3%.
If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck and looks like a duck then it could be a dragon doing a duck impersonation.
Parenting gets a lot harder when you can no longer say "I`m calling Santa!"
Friday Night Inspirational Message: You miss 100% of the shots you don`t drink.
Wesley Snipes was released from prison this week. Now he can finally begin filming "Blade 4: Twilight."
If by a blow job you mean blowing everything out of proportion then yes I totally rock at blow jobs.