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"You`ve got a friend in me." - Cannibals, probably
If I’ve offended you, please accept my apology. Then smack yourself in the face for getting offended by something on the Internet.
Always look for the girl with the ponytail holder on her wrist.
Difference between men and women: Women can change their mind whenever they want. Men can change their mind whenever the woman wants.
Ladies, when it comes to stalking, I`m 100% behind you.
Well, THAT Jehovah`s Witness isn`t going to forget anytime soon what they witnessed when I answered the door.
We`re all mature until someone pulls out bubble wrap.
It’s my favorite time of the day: How long can I stare directly at my monitor and do absolutely nothing o’clock.
The only time I proof read is to see how much alcohol comes in a bottle.
The "I got your nose" game is fun to play with kids, but try it on the pharmacist at Target & she`ll call security.
The computers were down at work today, so we had to do everything manually. It took me twenty minutes to shuffle the cards to play solitaire.
What idiot decided it should be my foot`s asleep instead of coma toes?
Porn is the one industry where segregating races, genders, sexual preference, is completely acceptable
Are you reading this from a toilet? I`m writing this from one.
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says "declined" whenever you use it.