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To all the waiters out there: we don`t get impressed when you try to memorize our orders, we just get nervous.
Ladies: We leave the toilet seat up because we don`t want to touch it any more than you do.
is trying to decide ... laundry today or naked tomorrow
I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like "Dude, you have to wait."
When I was a child, I wanted to be a surgeon. But apparently I was too young
How come phones only get lost when they are on silent?
I could write an entire book on excuses,,, but I have to pick my grandma up at the airport.
If you insist on sending me pics of your boobs please at least be a female!!
Announcement: .. the Time Travelers Meeting scheduled for today will be held last Thursday
I always drink responsibility I make sure that someone is responsible for buying me drinks.
So you have 820 friends on Facebook and yet no one was around to take your picture when you decided to use the mirror for a good shot?
I`m so fresh they call me "ferbreeze"
A homeless man told me he hadn`t had a bite in weeks, so I bit him.
ATM`s need to have breathalyzers.
"I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone" -girls who can`t figure out boyfriend`s passwords