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I feel bad for kids nowadays who can`t get the toys they want because their parents have to be 18 or older to call.
Insert coin to view my status message.
Pretty cool how the internet lets you stay connected with people you haven`t seen in years and silently judge them on a daily basis.
Sometimes I worry that eating pizza isn`t a real sport.
is battling with eyelids
How come there`s never enough dirt to refill the hole even after you`ve put the body in? Asking for a friend
I`m glad it`s the thought that counts because I spend all day thinking about the sh!t I should be doing.
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and I haven`t pooped it out yet ... Really scared now!
I hate it when I tell someone I`ll be there in 10 minutes, but they continue to call me every half-hour anyway
Welcome to the obesessive-compulsive hotline... please press 1 repeatedly.
Billion dollar idea: Make a prescription drug that gets rid of the side effects of all the other prescription drugs.
I bought 2 fish and named one, “one” and the other “two”, so when “one” dies I will still have “two”.
What do you mean casual Friday does not mean drink wine and get drunk at work
Just got back from the car dealership and long story short, I`m now the proud owner of a giant circus tent.
To my neighbor using a chainsaw at 7:30 on a Sunday morning: Try holding the other end.