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Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I`m hiring her as my personal trainer.
The secret to eternal life and happiness could be hidden in the Terms & Conditions and we would never know.
The package says "Do not eat raw cookie dough" but all I really see is "Pillsbury hates you and doesn`t want you to be happy."
I meant to make you a rum cake but somehow I made you a plain cake and now I’m drunk.
I`m glad I know sign language. It`s pretty handy.
If I could time travel, I`d make sure the guy who made up the word Walkie-Talkie got to name more things.
I’m not lazy, I’m on energy saving mode.
It`s so expensive being a woman. I know because I have financed a few.
A man who scratches his butt should not bite fingernails!
Don’t believe everything you think.
I bet if there were little basketball hoops above every garbage can, littering would greatly decrease.
Not every flower can say love, but a rose did. Not every plant can survive thirst, but a cactus did. Not every dummy can read, but look at you go...... *high 5*
I hate long distance relationships. That`s why I moved the fridge into my bedroom.
Call me old school, but I think your shorts should be longer than your private parts.
Good thing I`m judged on my actions and not my thoughts.