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Saw some idiot put a water bottle where the Pringles go on the treadmill.
Iron Man is a superhero. Iron woman is a command.
Something I never said as a kid: My book stopped working.
is admitting to pushing Humpty Dumpty, he had it coming!!
There are a few people I`d like to go to bed with but I can`t think of a single person I`d like to wake up with.
My internet is so slow, it`s just faster to drive to the Google headquarters and ask them in person.
that awkward moment when your pulling the covers up and hit yourself in the damn face !!!
This haunted house sucks. It`s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad. Wait, I`m at work, sorry.
Sometimes when I`m bored, I pick out a girl from my list of FB friends that I`ve never actually met and then go back on her timeline and like every single post she made in like 2009......That should freak her out a bit...
This morning, I was beaten up by a busty woman in an elevator. I was staring at her boobs when she said, “Would you please press 1?” So I did. I don’t remember much afterwards.
just realised SATURDAY has the word TURD in it
My boss hates it when I shorten his name to Dick. Especially since his name is Mike.
The girls who don’t get a rose on The Bachelor should automatically get a cat.
You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can`t flick your friends out the car window
Today`s the day I like to sneak onto the intercom at Walmart and say "would Jason Voorhees please report to aisle 13."