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My neighbors complained about all the loud sex they are hearing from my house. So now I have to buy some headphones for my computer.
It may look like I’m having really deep thoughts but 99% of the time I’m just thinking about what food I’m going to eat later.
Somewhere, a smart Lasik surgeon has an office full of brochures that are all slightly out of focus and a recovery room where they have clear print.
Due to inflation, a picture is now only worth 700 words.
I`m not a control freak. I just know what`s best...for everyone.
Sometimes I find myself envious of how well Waldo can hide..
Every dog is a badass until you decide to vacuum.
If your dog loves hanging his head out the window of the car as you are driving, but growls when you blow in his face, you may need a breath mint.
I once overdosed on Viagra. My wife took it really hard.
Q.Teacher: why do we drink water? A. Learner : Because we cant eat it!
Take my advice, I’m not going to use it.
Do good masochists go to heaven, or hell?
Somewhere out there is a guy named Joe whose greatest achievement is that he was a really sloppy eater.
I`ve already had two beers which automatically means my day is already better than yours.
When someone rings the doorbell, why do dogs always assume it’s for them?