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If I won the lottery, I don`t think I would change much. I`d still be the same asshole, just one in a helicopter.
The real problem with this generation is that the cartoons suck.
Studies show that 5 out of 6 people enjoy Russian roulette.
She walked in & she had legs, legs that went on for days. Who knows where they went? They just kept wenting. - Why my mystery novel failed
There is no better sunscreen than sitting inside a bar.
I`m starting group meetings at my house for people who have OCD, not because I have it, but surely one of them will be bothered enough to clean it.
If your pillow fort hasn’t got an armory filled with Nerf guns, then you’re not really taking pillow forting as seriously as you should be.
When I got divorced, we split the house. I got the outside....
Why is it when you run into a spider web, you suddenly turn into a ninja?
I overheard 2 girls say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
I relate to Game of Thrones because much like my own life, I have no idea what`s going on and there`s a lot of wine drinking.
If a door closes in your life...kick that f*cking thing open and continue to pursue your dreams.
If your dog is fat, you’re not getting enough exercise.
They say laughter is the best medicine... found out that`s not true for treating diarrhea.
We`ve spent years planning and preparing for the zombie apocalypse all for nothing......clowns....its gonna be clowns that finish us off.