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My New Years resolutions are just a list of mixed drinks I haven`t tried yet.
Making an effort in the last of 2014 to cut away distractions so I can spend more time with my iPhone.
Prostitution must be a hole sale business.
You can really scare someone when you yell "Peek-a-boo!". Especially when they`re trying on clothes in the fitting room.
It`s never your successful friends posting the inspirational quotes.
I walked into a bar in my pirate suit and a ships wheel in my pants.... The bartender asked... "Why do you have a wheel in your pants"? I replied "Argh.. it`s driving me nuts".
Sign outside a Drug Rehab Centre: "Keep off the Grass!"
1: Say "Unh! 2: Mumble three spanish words. 3: list four cities. You just made a Pitbull song.
High fiving was the original "like".
Some of my best memories are naps.
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the taser wrong.
I`ll never be to old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
I am proud to say that I have completed the 1st item on my bucket list... I got the bucket
It`s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
Pokémon means a totally different thing if you`re stuck in prison.