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Peyton Manning saw his shadow this morning...that means six more weeks of bad Papa Johns commercials.
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
You know its cold out ......when you go outside..... and it`s cold out
It’s amazing how much more money I have when I’m drunk.
What happened to all the Sour Patch parents?
If someone hates you for no reason, give that motherf*cker a reason.
I’m always impressed when I can stump auto-correct...
It`s so hot I have my air condition set on bankruptcy.
A house is not a home until you can find all light switches in the dark.
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it`s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
Legalizing same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
Twinkle twinkle little star, I want to hit you with my car.
…and for my next trick, I will pull this dryer sheet out of my sleeve!
My GF`s anti aging cream went bad ... How does anti aging cream have an expiration date?!
The other night, I posted on Facebook I was going to sleep shirtless. The next day I logged on and saw 7 mosquitoes "like" this.