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Almost time for my nightly foursome......... Me, my bed, my pillow and my blanket! What the hell were YOU thinkin` you perv!!!!!!
My retirement plan is just $1,000 & a plane ticket to wherever these kids are living on 15 cents a day.
iPhone is really a terrible name considering how rarely I use it as a phone. That`s like if my bed was named iSex.
The fastest way to get someone to call you back is to take a shower.
I try not to laugh at my own jokes… but we all know I’m Hilarious.
I wish I had the confidence of a male flight attendant
Watch out! It’s quite possible some of my best mistakes haven’t been made yet.
The best thing about hand sanitiser is that when you put it on, it looks like you are plotting to take over the world.
If at first you don`t succeed, find out where she lives.
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that`s my cat and we`re not done with our accupuncture session.
B!tches be trippin ... OK, maybe I pushed one.
"Please take a seat" was a bad introduction for a Kleptomaniacs` Anonymous meeting.
Don`t understand how you can forget about someone you loved so much. Like that time my mum drove off and left me in the supermarket car park
Chuck E Cheese: Because it`s never too early to introduce your children to gambling and bad nutrition.
I could eat a bowl of alphabet soup and crap a better status than yours!