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Much to my daughters horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base`s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of her friends. Being a dad is fun!
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
My walk of shame is when I have to take all the the empty Taco Bell bags out of my car and bring them to the garbage can.
I had cheese, but no crackers ... I was cracka-lackin
Spread happiness by smiling at a stranger today, or flash them your boobs...... Strangers love boobs!
3 wishes for when I find a genie: 1. The more I eat the skinnier I get 2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist 3. Other kid owns a winery
Being a camera must be pretty cool. You get to sleep until there`s something cool to see.
I always give my extra money to Charity. She is usually on the main stage around 11pm.
Mirrors don’t lie. And, lucky for me, they don’t laugh either.
You make me feel "I`m-typing-this-with-my-middle-finger" angry.
I tried to give a cute waitress my phone number by writing it on the credit card receipt but accidentally tipped her 9 billion dollars.
Got a paper cut turning the pages in my self-defense book.
Im convinced that one day we will all live in the future.
Wonder what my couch is doing right now.