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Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, "I don`t think you`re supposed call people that any more."
That moment when you put your pants on, take a few steps, and feel something crawling down your leg! You grab it on the outside so it doesn`t crawl any further....and then you sigh in relief and thank God the dryer sheet doesn`t bite!
I always try to go the extra mile at work, but my boss always finds me and brings me back.
I don`t just burn bridges, I drain the lake, fill it with concrete, and build a shopping mall on that bitch!
If you`re going take a bathroom picture, at least clean it off. I can`t see anything through all the toothpaste.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
I told my wife that I have a sexual satisfaction guarantee policy. If you`re not completely satisfied, we`ll just do it all over again. Guaranteed.
I`ve found the most effective way to get an attractive guy to fall for me is by simply using my charm... and then a stun gun.
Free snow at my house. Shovel all you want!
Dear paranoid people who check behind their shower curtains for murderers, If you do find one, what`s your plan? ;)
I`m hungry, but I`m not `cook something` hungry.
Facebook is like a fridge full of old food you know what is in your fridge but still you go and check if it changed.
My New Year`s resolution is to help all my friends gain ten pounds so I look skinnier.
I like to track people down, knock on their front door and say "we have ten people in common on Facebook, can I come in ?"
I ordered an Asian hooker last night. She showed up 2 hours late. She loved me wrong time.