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I just called. To say. I texted you.
Stress balls really work when you shove them down someone`s throat.
How is it that when you are dead and a zombie you can rip open a man`s ribcage, but when you are alive you struggle with a bag of chips?
My friend works at a rubber dog poop factory. He`ll never get rich, but he makes doo.
Always have a goal... Example: Turn as much alcohol into urine as you can.
Don´t believe all the rumours you hear about me, the truth is much worse.
It`s a beautiful day. I think I`ll skip my meds and stir things up a bit
My lucks so bad if I bought a cemetery people would stop dying.
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
Yesterday I accidentally swallowed a bottle of food coloring. The doctor says I`m OK, but I feel like I`ve dyed a little inside.
When I count calories it involves a bunch of multiplication.
Walking out of a store after not buying anything and thinking, “try not to act like a criminal, try not to act like a criminal”
Unless you are selling Thin Mints, don’t ever knock on my door.
Somebody needs to teach opportunity how to use a doorbell.
I ordered an Asian hooker last night. She showed up 2 hours late. She loved me wrong time.