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I always say, "morning." Instead of, "good morning." If it were a good morning, I would still be asleep in bed instead of talking to people.
My interventions would be so much more effective if every single reason I drink wasn`t there
I told the monster in my closet that coming out of of there would make him gay, haha problem solved ....
The invention of the shovel must have been ground-breaking.
I don`t know why beer companies bother with an expiration date. It`s never going to make it anywhere near that.
Toilets are really just fart amplifiers when you are trying to be quiet.
Iām not stupid. Iām just too lazy to show how smart I am.
Weird that we don`t see more pants on fire
Anything can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
"I don`t trust you to not buy drugs" -people who give gift cards
I tried sniffing coke once but the ice cubes kept getting sucked in my nose!
The longer I sit in this drive-thru, the more pennies Iām going to pay with.
If your online dating profile says "I don`t have sex on the first date" then that`s why you`re on a dating website.
I hate getting my picture taken. Especially in front of a height chart at the police station.
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.