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When a bird hits your window have you ever wondered if God is playing angry birds with you?
My girlfriend wanted me to show her a good time, so I showed her pictures of me before we met.
I`m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
Mom: How are your grades this semester? Me:.... Mom:.... Me: Mother what`s important is that we have our health
Dear American Express, can you raise my debt ceiling?? Thx, bro.
Don`t be sad laundry, nobody`s doing me either.
You make me want to be a drunker person
I don`t remember anything that happened, but I may have had a drink or two...
Home is where you can say anything you want, because nobody listens to you anyway.
I found out last night that the only thing worse than waking up 3 times to pee is sleeping right through it.
When people tell me knock knock jokes, I pretend I`m not home.
They say you are what you eat, though... I don`t recall eating a sexy beast today
Don’t get me started. I don’t come with brakes.
I got food poisoning today. I don`t know when I`ll use it though.
There are some people in this world who make you totally understand Hannibal Lecter.