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Parents, forget about teaching your kids about the birds and the bees. Teach your kids the difference between their, they`re and there.
We still don`t know sh*t about that airplane. - NEWS
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
This Donut-Scented Car Air Freshener will more than pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
If someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
Somedays I feel like running away. Then I remember how much I hate running.
Dear life, I`ve had enough bullsh!t to last a while. Can we take a little break please.
I only seem to remember I want to lose weight after eating 6 cookies.
The worst thing that can happen when you invite someone over to "watch a movie" is actually watching a movie.
Let`s be honest, Dos Equis. After a bunch of ANY beer, what guy DOESN`T think he`s the most interesting man in the world?
This is the only comment you should be leaving on porn sites: “Why are you doing this? Please come home. Your mother and I are heartbroken.”
Grown up pandas eat for 12 hours a day. In related news, it turns out I’m not fat. I’m a panda.
you know hes a keeper when you know his facebook login and password!
Sometimes my brain is like the bermuda triangle...Information goes in then it`s never found again..
I`m going to invent a cleaning product that kills .1% of all germs and bacteria. It doesn`t sound very effective, but I`m going to get it placed right next to all the other cleaning products that kill 99.9% of all germs and bacteria.