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If robbers ever broke into my house and searched for money, I`d just laugh and search with them.
I have a new rule: No one is allowed to talk to me for a minimum of 24 hours after I wake up.
I have two feelings, it`s either "I`m hungry" or "I shouldn`t have eaten this much"
I just found out that a bucket of KFC when you`re finished with it, also doubles as a porta-potty...
Why do the commercials with the husband and wife doing a home improvement project never show the fistfight?
I always wince when someone tells me they’re going to hit the sack.
Cashier: Would you like your milk in a bag? Me: No, let`s just keep it in the carton, ok?
A word to the wise isn`t necessary - it`s the stupid ones that need the advice.
When a man talks dirty to a woman, its sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it’s $4.95 a minute.
my imaginary friend thinks ur crazy? an shes hot!
"I`ve had so much coffee, I got halfway to work and realized I forgot my car."
My therapist keeps saying that I should really stop talking to inanimate objects.....but he`s a lamp...what does he know....
There is no better sunscreen than sitting in a bar.
We should be nicer to old people. When they walked uphill both ways in the snow they had to do it without an internet connection too.
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.