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Today I broke my personal record for most consecutive days lived.
I try to avoid nice people, so they can stay that way.
That awkward moment when the guy who discovered milk had to explain what he was doing to the cow
Know why a room full of married people looks so empty? There’s not a Single person in it…
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I`m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
Are you one of those people that get hurt from things posted on Facebook? You can easily avoid that by keeping your a$$ off of Facebook.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions Note to self...avoid good intentions at all costs.
I’m supporting our troops today by going commando.
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling "woo hoo", but after that my schedule is wide open
Drunk is when you feel sophisticated…but can’t pronounce it.
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don`t ask her.
I just don`t understand why Flo from Progressive needs to have an apron on to sell car insurance.
Ya know what I really hate about mornings? People start talking to me!
Pizza: Round food, cut into triangles and put into a square box.
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon