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When I was younger, it was wine, women & song. Now I am older, it`s beer, the old lady & TV!
Boobs are a lot like train sets, they were meant for kids, but dad always ends up wanting to play with them.
For daylight savings, we should move the clocks forward an hour on Monday at 9 AM so that we lose an hour of work instead of sleep.
It`s cute how my wife thinks I can read her mind when I can`t even dress the kids properly.
"Lazy" is a strong word. I prefer to call it selective participation.
Why are people with BAD breath always wanting to tell me a secret?
If wookies have a 400 year life span, then Han Solo is basically like Chewbacca`s third dog.
At this age, I drive everything like I stole it because sometimes I forget which car is mine.
I`m that friend that you have to explain to people before you introduce me and apologize about afterwards.
I like to go to a strangers house tell them you used to live there and that your grandfather hid money somewhere in the house and just leave.
To hell with the "dislike" button! i think we need a "who cares" button, a "WTF" button and a "STFU!" button. just saying.... Oh and a "lol" button because i just get tired of writing it! lol!
who`s smart idea wus it to name a monkey Donkey Kong??
The secret of enjoying a good wine: 1) Open the bottle to allow it to breathe. 2) if it does not look like it`s breathing give it mouth-to_mouth
You don`t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, and you take all the covers with you.
I`m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I`ve been to in the last week that`s had "insufficient funds".