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Financial status: I hope United Airlines drags me off my flight
I end a lot of my sentences with "just saying`, because saying, "you idiot" is considered offensive.
My favorite exercise is a cross between a lunge and a crunch. It’s called Lunch.
You will never be happier than a girl who just discovered her dress has pockets.
It`s like my golf instructor thinks I`m mature enough to handle him talking about balls, and how to properly grip the club.
As I slide down this bannister we call life, you, and you alone, are the splinter in my ass
How about first you show me your benefits and THEN I`ll let you know if we can be friends.
Today, I`m really gonna give it my nothing
I may or may not have just "Whipped my Hair Back and Forth".......
How about a T.V. show that just explains the backstory on all of the “For External Use Only” warning labels.
I can`t stand people who use song lyrics in their status` because they remind me of sombody that I used to know
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
I’m writing this from the hospital. Don’t worry! The doctors say I’m going to be OK but I must warn you. The Dyson Ball Cleaner has a very misleading name!
A 4-way stop is an IQ test you take in public.
I pretty much spend all day, every day, just looking forward to going back to sleep.