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The best nicknames are the ones you don’t even know you have.
Who needs a social life when you have Netflix and a fridge full of food?
I`ve come to believe that everyone on Earth could benefit from a 12 step program.
It`s tax season. Anyone have some spare kids?
The problem with diets is pizza.
Please, lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won`t spoil me!
Humans claim to be the superior species, but a penguin can use its own body as a toboggan so who`s the real winner?
Don`t put off for tomorrow what you can do today, because if you enjoy it today you can do it again tomorrow.
Whenever i see a facebook page Celebrate; "We have reached 200K fans". I just ask myself, do they know how many of those 200K died or left facebook or can`t remember their password after they liked the page?
Wow, I didn`t know my ex was into orgies until I saw the ad on Craig`s list I just posted.
My Life Alert bracelet says.....: I`m Just Napping
You know there was a time in my life where I just didn`t give a f#ck.....funny how it seems that much hasn`t changed from an hour ago!!
Ladies...when I say bless you after a sneeze, just say Thank you, instead of wondering where in the bushes that just came from.
I don`t know exactly who`s health I`m drinking to, but they`re going to be immortal at this rate
Of all the advice given to me over the years, “There really is no bad time for a beer” has proved to be the most helpful.