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If your dog takes a dump on your floor and you clean it up, who owns who??
She might be ugly now, but wait a few more drinks.
Summer vacation: Where you drink triple, see double and act single.
Oh the pranks I would pull if I were invisible
Life is better when you can share it with a friend that has the same sick, twisted personality as yourself.
Ah man... i don`t have any notifications... better go check another computer
Don´t worry ... It only seems kinky the first time.
I’m that kind of person who between two choices always pick the wrong one.
After opening this month`s electric bill, I am no longer scared of the dark.
When life hands you lemons it should only remind you to buy more tequila, life is as simple as that.
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you`re interested by repeatedly asking "why doesn`t our lawn ever look that nice?"
Think about how much more stressful life`s most stressful moments would be if accompanied by the running-out-of-time music in Mario Bros.
I have a lot on my plate right now. Not busy, just hungry.
I have very poor ninja skills when it comes to staring at cleavage.
I wish I was full of tacos instead of feelings.