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My grocery list is just a piece of paper saying don`t run into anyone you know
Not sure why my wife is only mad at me, our 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
never judges a book by its cover. I use the paragraph on the back, it tells you what the story is about.
There is no such thing as a dirty mind. Just a sense of humor with adult content.
Me: "I want to travel more." Bank account: "Like, to the park?"
I will not be impressed with technology until I can download food from the internet.
Sometimes it would be nice if the world had an off switch.
Home sounds like a nice place, until they say they’re going to put you in one.
We’ll be best friends forever because you already know too much.
I hate when someone has a loud conversation on their cell phone and then gives me dirty looks for jotting down everything they say.
If you think your wife has a sense of humor, try leaving a trail of rose pedals leading to a sink full of dirty dishes
Bored, so I’m going to find a kid that looks like me and tell him I’m him from the future.
Buying an airline ticket is like paying shipping and handling for yourself.
Pregnancy test confirmed me my worst fear.......I`m just fat
I said my wife`s name three times in front of the bathroom mirror and now my wallet`s empty...