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My friends most commonly describe me as "who?"
Ever seen a person so disgusting you hold your breath when you walk by them? Yea I have.
Attention idiots: as you continue to read something clearly addressed to idiots. Idiot.
If Coca-Cola REALLY cared about the obesity problem they`d put cocaine back in their recipe.
If I was a funeral director, I would tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.Then the zombie apocalypse would be hilarious.
Man what a day. I pulled my groin...for like 20 minutes.
Imagine Ferris Bueller trying so hard not to Instagram his whole day off.
When I think of all the money I’ve spent on booze in my life, I wish I had it all back. Imagine all the booze I could buy!
Before social networking you could just completely forget someone existed. And it was great
I need to borrow someones kid for Halloween. I miss free candy.
I swear I saw a guy earlier today that had no chin and all I could think about was, how does he put on pillow cases?
With names like "Batman" and "Robin", you`d think they could fly...
Walking out of a store after not buying anything and thinking, "try not to act like a criminal, try not to act like a criminal."
"Hello 911?" "Someone just stole my status on Facebook... yes, I`ll hold."
The record companies have done a good job of fighting piracy by releasing music no one wants to steal.