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I`m always surprised how quickly "you`re so funny" turns into "everything is a fcuking joke to you." (usually about 3 months)
I`m going to a wedding rehearsal this weekend. Wedding rehearsals are the only time you see someone practice making a mistake.
Life would be so much more fun if there were random Dukes of Hazzard style car ramps along the drive to work.
If you don`t have anything nice to say, say it anyway, `cause it might be really really funny.
Automatic doors make me feel like a Jedi
You laugh because I`m different ........... I laugh because I farted.
The first guy who persuaded a blind guy to wear sunglasses, must have been a hell of a salesman.
"Paypal me your lunch money!" -Cyber Bullies
If one teacher cannot teach every subject, then how come one student is expected to learn all the subjects.
If there is a wrong place and a wrong time, I’ll be there.
I bet heroin addicts can open a Capri sun on the first try.
Have I been drinking? Clearly officer, you`re no detective
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
Celebrate Valentines Day responsibly, or you`ll be celebrating Thanksgiving in a maternity ward
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang - So I shot him..