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So,do people in England speaks American now that people in America speaks English?
My wife said to me: "If you won the lottery, would you still love me?" I said: "Of course I would. I`d miss you, but I`d still love you."
"I`m sorry" and "I apologise" mean the same thing...except when you`re at a funeral.
It’s fun to pull someone’s leg… but don’t ever pull their finger.
I`m so scattered I don`t know whether I found this rope or lost my horse.
Do you ever order a club sandwich just to feel like you`re a part of something?
“Check that sh!t out” luckily rarely refers to actual sh!t.
Being an adult is basically a "choose your own adventure" book, but every choice sounds terrible.
Interviewer: Have any weaknesses? Me: Bullets I: No, I mean… M: Knives I: I don’t think y… M: probably evil dragons I: … M: Focusing.
Relationship status: sleeping in my bed diagonally.
The secret to a successful lemonade stand is vodka.
I think I might be bisexual. Because last night I had sex by myself.
Going to the toilet without your phone is like going to war without a gun
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs. For a second, I thought, "Should I help?" Then I thought, "No...6 should be enough."
If I get a million likes on Facebook......not a damn thing will change.