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My Christmas tree smells like pine, and is hanging from the shift lever in my car.
My kids refuses to play with the Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
For those of you wondering what it`s like to be married, I`m on day 3 of an argument I didn`t know I was having.
Since I`m getting older I`ve been thinking about my health. Should I work out 2 hrs a day like Jack Lalanne who was 96? Or smoke cigars like George Burns who lived to be 100?
A wife is like a hand grenade. Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
I never care whether or not my glass is half full or half empty... cause I drink straight from the bottle!
When sliding down the banister of life, always make sure that the end is knob free!
At least thirty percent of my workout is spent picking a different song.
I`m available if anyone needs me to ruin a good thing before it even starts.
No magician can do a trick that impresses me as much as that ‘take off my bra and make it appear out of my sleeve’ thing that girls do.
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
I always read my girlfriend’s horoscope to see what kind of day I`m going to have.
I never use the phrase, "Your guess is as good as mine" because, well... it`s not.
It takes so much self control for me not to write, "you sure about that?" under Facebook engagement announcements.
*sigh* the cop at the front door is never a stripper when you need it to be