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If you got up this morning and ran straight to fb i am 100% POSITIVE its because you missed me.
Everyone has their area of expert knowledge.... if any of you need tips on how to do absolutely nothing amazingly well, let me know.
Dear Mother-in-Law, Do not tell me how to handle my child, I am living with one of yours and he needs a lot of improvement.
I`m sorry, your photo is so confusing. You`re gonna need to hashtag every detail of it for me so I can grasp what`s going on here.
Let me just flip this here omelette.... aaaaaand I`m having scrambled eggs
You call them “cuss words.” I choose to call them “sentence enhancers.”
Going to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me with that needle, I run off yelling `thanks for the free shave loser!`
Imagine taking your girlfriend to your friends house for the 1st time, and her phone automatically connects to his password protected wifi.
I`m high as a kite! Let me rephrase that: I`m stuck in a tree.
Why do people ask "what the hell were you thinking"? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it.
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
Just heard a lady say "When in doubt, get a pizza"... I don`t know who this woman is but she`s my new life coach.
That awkward moment when you can’t tell if it’s a Halloween costume or their regular clothes…
So apparently I`ve been Googling `Asian Prom` this whole time. I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren`t going to bang.
Attention...my facebook page has been hacked. But everyone seems to like the new guy better, me too actually...so f**k it!