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If you need help moving I am one hundred percent there for you emotionally.
Turns out Xenophobia is not `A fear of Warrior Princesses`
Drinking lots of beer and doing my taxes. So far the Government owes me 3.1 million. I love this Country!
I`m already going to hell ... now I`m just trying to get a good spot.
Why did you have to take a half naked picture in front of a full length mirror to show off your new haircut?
Sex is like pizza, if you`re going to use bbq sauce you better know what the f*ck you`re doing
Last night I was drunk and asked a cat if it could talk. It said, “Me? How?”
Sometimes I wonder if these old men sitting on the benches in the mall waiting on their wives to finish shopping were old when they sat down!?
An ex asking to stay friends after you break up is like a kidnapper asking to stay in touch after they let you go.
Would it be wrong to ask a one-eyed person if it really was "all fun and games" up to that point?
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it`s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
Now that I think about it... Facebook became popular ever since I made an account.
*calling pizza place* "Hello?" Your pizza tastes like cardboard "Are you sure you`re not eating the box again?" *long pause* *click*
In order to avoid hating myself in the morning, I sleep till noon.
I think a clear conscience is really just memory loss