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If your roommate never walked in on you naked, you`re not naked near enough.
I always wonder if the people sitting near me at church every Sunday are unsettled by the fact that I take my communion like a shot of cheap vodka because I`m still in a party mode
The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents. The second half will be ruined by our children
Apparently, you can only say "Look at you! You got so big!" to kids. Old girlfriends tend to get offended. Who knew?
Congratulations! You`ve won a lifetime supply of air: Not valid under water, in space, when dead, or while choking.
My parents preferred my imaginary friend over me.
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: "None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare."
If you are offended by the opinions I express you can only imagine the ones I keep to myself.
Before coffee: Hates everybody. After coffee: Feels good about hating everybody.
Buy all your socks in one color - problem of the missing sock solved!
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
Reverse cowgirl. Perfect for when you`re horny, but can`t stand to look at each other !
Step aside coffee… this is a job for booze.
RIP to my hair dryer. It was the only thing to blow me for the last 10 years and never complain.
I must have drank more than I thought last weekend...there`s an entire hour that I don`t remember!