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If I meet you for a date and you don`t look anything like your pic, you`re buying drinks for me until you do.
I hope I never get to the age when my body can forecast the weather.
I used to drink a lot in the 80s. Then I realized, who cares what the temperature is?
Sometimes I think of something so wrong and inappropriate that my little black heart skips a beat with delight.
What`s the difference between "Ooooo" and "Ahhh"? About 3 inches.
Everything I ever needed to know about structural engineering, I learned from Angry Birds.
Working from home and HR already cited me for sexual misconduct.
It only takes a second to show someone how you feel. The police call it “Indecent Exposure” but whatever.
Don’t be upset that you’re single; be happy that someone isn’t ruining your life.
Just spent the last 30 minutes cutting a Batman mask off the back of a box of Honey Nut Cheerios & my kid thinks he`s gonna get to wear it.
If you see someone crying, ask them if it is because of their haircut.
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy. Unless your wife finds out.
I`ve finally decided to do something about my weight. Lie.
The inside of my fridge: evidence that I’m still not a real adult.
I don`t think I have enough money to find long everlasting love.