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The first rule of selfie club should be to clean your room.
"Waiter, I`d like to send this back" -m`am, I believe that`s your husband.
The loudest possible way to open a bag of chips is to try and do it quietly.
Can you imagine if Facebook just decided to shut down and you see all these confused teenagers coming out of their house squinting at the sun/
When I die I want my body donated to science; specifically a scientist who is working on bringing dead people back to life
thinks whoever said, "All men are created equal", obviously has never been to a nude beach!!
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
Last night I went out drinking with some high school friends. About 2 hours into it they were like..."dude, shouldn`t you be hanging out with people your own age?"
Me being rude: Shut the f*ck up. Me being polite: Please shut the f*ck up.
Forgets to set alarm, wakes up 3 days later.
If you`re behind someone at the ATM late at night, let them know you`re not a threat by giving them a gentle kiss on their neck.
Doctor: How`s your headache? Me: She`s out of town.
The problem with rich people is I`m not one of them.
Sorry I wore tear-away pants to your wedding. In my defense I really thought I had on underwear.
When you think about how big the Earth is, then how small it is compared to the Sun, and how the Sun is just a speck of dust in the universe, it`s easy to justify eating an entire chocolate cake.