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Still waiting for a Discovery Channel "How It`s Made" episode on babies.
You`ve really got to hand it to short people, because sometimes they often can`t reach it.
I either get what I want or I change my mind!
I don`t care if it`s a kidnapping/murder; if you tell me a monkey will be involved, I`m 97% more likely to participate.
I`m not crazy I`m just special! No wait maybe I am crazy.. One second, I have to talk to myself about this hold on...
Hey ladies, you know that feeling you get when you roll over & realize you made a horrible mistake? I could give that to you every day.
When in darkness, pray. If you pray and nothing happens, I think it is the high time you paid your electricity bill.
Why the hell do we still use snow shovels when flame throwers are available?
Agreeing to disagree is lame. Let’s agree to take turns slapping each other until one of us admits we were wrong.
I bet Bruce Wayne sometimes accidentally signs his credit card receipts “Batman” when he’s drunk. I know I do.
Remember when waking up early on Saturday mornings involved cartoons and not untagging photos on Facebook?
I wish I was important enough for my nudes to get leaked.
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
You know you`re an alcoholic when the only Holiday cards that you get are from your neighborhood pubs.
When people stare at me, I assume its because they are taking notes on how to be a bad a$$ motherf*cker.