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Life would be a lot easier if employers accepted excuses like “I’m sorry I can’t come into work today, I’m sleepy”
After dinner I like to sit in the garden in my underwear and smoke a cigarette.....but apparently that`s not done at this hotel....
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house.
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two.
Making mirrors look good, since 1972
Just once I`d like to see someone in a movie call bullshit when someone tells them their phone number starts with 555
Nice try, St. Patrick`s Day, but I don`t need a reason to drink.
Water is the most essential element of life, because without water, you can’t make coffee.
More people should be at a loss for words.
Just once, I`d like to clock out from work by sliding down a dinosaur.
It seems like the ‘L’ in my luck has been replaced with an ‘F’.
If they were really trying to prepare high school kids for “real life” they would offer a class called “working with a$$holes”
Highways need 4 lanes per side - A NASCAR wannabe lane, a normal driver lane, an old people who drive 40 in a 70 lane & a "where in the hell am I?" lane.
I’m still kind of pissed they never told us how to get to Sesame Street.
I always scratch off the "Plus One" option on wedding invitations are replace it with "Drinking for two"