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My car is so old the high beam switch is on the floor...
It`s pretty amazing how many times my daughter likes to say "it`s not fair!" considering she has never had to pay taxes
"Something`s wrong. He`s never walked this far before."- what my shoes would say if you walked a mile in them.
I didn’t scream out someone else’s name during sex. I was thinking of baby names in case you get pregnant…
OMG, you`re huge! There`s no way you`ll fit inside me.- My clothes probably.
The last time I saw something as ugly as your face I pinned a tail on it.
I`m not leaving here without some kind of balloon
If I drop my food on a plane, and we change time zones at the same time, do I receive an additional hour to the 5 second rule?
Lets not kid ourselves, if the zombie apocalypse broke out, there are a couple people we would swear were zombies so we could shoot them
I`m a crabby a$$ bitch before my coffee ... and after
The success of a marriage hinges entirely on the ability to know which of your wife’s clothing is okay to go into the dryer.
Spice up your Facebook experience by making your status updates your google searches.
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it`s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
NyQuil is great. I love the way it comes with it´s own shot glass
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times. Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic