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I`m going to make a bucket list: Things I`m going to do before I kick the bucket. Number 1: WEAR SHOES!!!
When`s it gonna be the 4th of July? I feel like blowin somethin` up and not gettin` arrested.
My favorite exercise is a cross between a lunge and a crunch. It’s called Lunch.
If you want to ruin a song forever use it for your alarm.
I would leave my house a LOT more if I could take the couch with me and wear my pajamas.
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
Instead of the John, I call my bathroom the Jim...that way it sounds better when I say I go to the Jim every morning.
People like you are the reason people like me need medication.
My car rides usually consist of playing my music on random, then pressing “next” about 400 times.
My parents say I was an unplanned child, which probably explains why my life isn`t going to plan.
What is depression? Depression is when you buy a new hula-hoop and it fits you.
Illiterate? Well then sign up today for free online reading classes!
Life should be more like Hockey. If somebody pisses you off, you beat the sh!t out of them, then sit in a penalty box for 5 minutes
Admit it: you have all tried to rap in the shower..
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you`ve got alzheimers.