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Why I don’t like people: 1% logical reasons. 99% just because.
Mother mosquito: Hey kiddo, how was your first flight? kid mosquito: Great mom! Everyone was clapping for me.
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
If my father taught me one thing, it was probably how to take both hands off the wheel to sarcastically applaud people in traffic.
Please don’t mistake my personality for flirting. Just because I’m awesome doesn’t mean I like you.
Sitting in the cinema, ready to watch the movie, then BOOM! The human giraffe sits in front of you
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers? I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those ... Wait ... Two. I have 2 kids.
What’s a drunken pirates worst nightmare? A sunken booty with no chest.
I`m gonna hang a Batman outfit in my closet to screw with myself when I get Alzheimer`s.
Self-Checkout lanes were invented by a guy who was sent out to buy tampons.
One great thing about life before the internet was if you met someone, you didn`t then have to know them the rest of your life.
Drinking coffee is a fun way to become dependent on paying money to wake up.
Oh, so you are thinking about me? I am also thinking about myself.....
My idea of drinking responsibly is using a coaster.
"Sir your phone`s ringing." "Yeah, phones do that."