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I feel like I could give a great NBA locker room speech. "Guys, we`re all millionaires, none of this matters."
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, "I don`t think you`re supposed call people that any more."
Son: "Dad, can you write in the dark?" Dad: "Uh, I think so, why?" Son: "I need you to sign my report card."
My favorite part of Summer is the booze. Coincidentally, that`s my favorite part of the other 3 seasons, too.
Are headaches the result of time spent with woman or is it purely a coincidence?
99% of people in this world are stupid. Luckily I`m part of the other 5%.
Guess what I saw today? ... Everything I looked at.
Whenever there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
One great thing about life before the internet was if you met someone, you didn`t then have to know them the rest of your life.
Falling in love when lonely is a lot like shopping when hungry, you end up with a bunch of sh!t you don`t need.
That mind-blowing moment when you realize chores were really the crap your parents didn’t want to do.
Jingle all the way. Nobody likes a half-assed jingler.
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so that I could slap 8 people at once.
Alice in Wonderland taught me to drink things that I`m unsure of
Paperclips: The staple for people with commitment issues.