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Dear therapist, I might actually come see you if your job title didn`t spell out “the rapist” Sincerely, not lying down.
Some people should use a glue stick instead of a chap stick.
For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
My wife said I can definitely have a man cave, if that`s what I want to start calling the hall closet.
If you want to get me to do something, bribery does work.
Facebook is like a fridge. When you`re bored you keep opening and closing it every few minutes to see if there`s anything good in it
Sociologists say that social media is creating the laziest generation ever. I expressed my opinion in great detail by hitting the “Like” button.
I feel it`s important for you to know, no matter what I`m faced with and when given the option, I am that guy who will send you a voice-mail marked confidential.
The pharmacist asked me my birthday again today. Pretty sure she`s going to get me something.
We are living in a generation where Vampires are sparkly,Werevolves are gay and Witches wear leather pants.
Hash browns not tags.
I`m not saying my wife`s voice is annoying, but right now I`m really jealous of deaf people.
Ladies, I hate to break this to you, but curves and rolls are not the same thing.
I have finally conquered my annoying habit of repeatedly pressing the snooze button every morning by programming my alarm clock to play lullabies!
It’s not pretty being easy.