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You all take typos way too serious, you gays.
I`ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she`s a woodpecker.
keeps getting dirty voicemails from unknown numbers. If it`s you.. Send more
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
I`d like to thank (you know who) for the (you know what) I`ll talk to you later (you know where) and if I don`t (you know why).
If anyone every texts me “who is this” I always respond “Jake from state farm”
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two.
You really can`t say your laundry is done unless you are completely naked
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked ... But, so does Tequila
When it`s raining I don`t work, when its sunny I don`t work, when its cloudy I call in sick!
It feels like one of them days..... ya know? When you wanna fart and blame the other person for it!
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
1st woman on the Moon.. Houston we have a problem What? Never mind What`s the problem? Nothing Please tell us? You know what the problem is.
I may not be the smartest guy in the world, or the richest guy in the world, or the best looking guy in the world, but.... Oh, hell. Now I`m depressed.
I am not lazy, I`m on power saving mode