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I have decided to stop doing things "Like a Boss" and will now do things "Like a Rhinestone Cowboy."
If Jehovah`s witnesses brought pizza and beer with them, I`d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
I have to wonder why we have "non-essential" government employees in the first place.
I just poured myself some iced tea. I could have sworn I heard one of the beers in my fridge whisper "What the F*ck!?"
No, I didn`t say I was a taxidermist. I said, I can stuff your beaver.
A word of advice, stay on my good side. My good side is in Hawaii.
Whenever I hear the phrase `anything is possible`, I giggle and think about someone trying to slam a revolving door :)
Why do prostitutes charge per hour? I mean, what are we supposed to do for the other 57 minutes?
Sometimes when I`m bored I crawl into a corner of my room and pretend I`m a person.
Let`s party like there`s no tomorrow and call in sick if there is one.
I`m gonna surprise my hand with some sex tonight!
I was told there would be kool-aid.
One good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when to cringe.
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes.
"That girl is totally checking you out" said vodka. -Bfanch