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What´s the difference between light and hard? You can go to bed with a light on.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I love screwing with the minds of the foreign tech support guys. "My name is Perry, not Terry. With a P as in Pterodactyl."
off to bed...evil schemes don`t dream themselves up.
My 6 yo just chugged a bottle of water in 30 seconds. Now I`m fearful of her college days.
I used to be a camera man in the porn industry but it became too hard...
Once again, I`m a distant runner-up for TIME magazine`s `Person Of The Year`. I`m beginning to think it`s rigged...
These police take Hide and Seek really seriously.
When a couple asks me for directions,I know that the wife is forcing the guy to ask.That`s why I give them wrong ones to teach her a lesson.
Alcohol makes me worse at everything except telling secrets
An empty web browsing history is a sure sign of guilt.
The doctor said I should be drinking more whiskey. Also, I’m calling myself “the doctor” now.
Do short people start their childhood stories with "when I was little", too?
Wouldn`t it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for 10 mins and come out wrinkle free and 2 sizes smaller...
LSD makes users lose weight ... That makes sense. It`s kinda hard to get to the fridge when there`s a dragon guarding it.