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Marriage (Possible side effects may include sadness, anger, sudden drop in finances, depression, sexual abstinence, and sobriety)
I`ll drink enough for both of us, because I`m just a caring person.
You never really know someone until you break up with them. If they don’t go crazy and try to kill you than maybe you should give them a second chance.
It took dozens and dozens of flushes and a plunger, but my guinea pig`s funeral is finally over.
Whenever I screw up at work, I`m so glad I`m not a doctor.
It saddens me to say that after tasting this homemade whiskey/nacho cheese ice cream, I’ve found not all dreams are meant to be followed.
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
It’s like nobody ever considers the consequences of getting to know me.
Sarcasm is just one of the many services I offer to people who ask stupid questions.
It really pisses me off when I plan a conversation in my head and the other person doesn’t follow the damn script.
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
Celebrate Valentines Day responsibly, or you`ll be celebrating Thanksgiving in a maternity ward
Hillary Clinton is running for president. In other news, grass is green and the sun is hot.
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
I was named after my father. I don`t really like the name "Dad" though.