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A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
I can not be held responsible for what my face does when you talk.
Drunk me loves creating awkward encounters for sober me.
I just saw a gang of really drunk mosquitoes leave my arm and high-five each other. Weird.
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
This morning I woke up to a surprise BJ. Thats the last time I fall asleep on the train with my mouth open.
The weekend is just a bittersweet memory.... I won`t cry because it`s over, I`ll smile because for a few miles they believed I was the real bus driver.
I hate it when you can’t find your phone because you left it someplace stupid like in the car or your non-dominant hand.
I was planning to do something today, but I haven’t finished doing nothing from yesterday.
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
The worst job to have right about now would be that of a realtor in Ferguson.
When my girlfriend texted me "I`m enjoying 5 guys in bed" I was quite surprised to arrive and find no hamburgers
Designated Driver is just a nicer way of saying, you can come with us, but nobody wants to deal with your drunk a$$.
In heaven, the Cheez-Its are salted on both sides.
change your birthday on facebook to today, see how many people say happy birthday for APRIL FOOLS!!!! lol