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My new years resolution was to lose 30 pounds by the end of summer. I`ve only got 40 pounds to go.
This is the earliest I have ever been late.
We are the only ones who can control our own happiness, but sometimes it feels like someone else is holding the remote.
Whenever our neighbor`s dog is barking, I know there`s either someone at their door or literally anything else in the universe has happened.
Sometimes it looks like I’m flashing gang signs, but really I’m just trying to get Scotch tape off my hand.
I sometimes ask myself, "What would Jesus do?", and then I think, Jesus wouldn`t be caught up in this sh*t.
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
Mashed potatoes really beg the question: “what else could we massively improve by squashing the hell out of it?”
If there`s no god then how do you explain yoga pants?
You`d think he`d be better at this with all the porn he watches
Hey,,,, I said I`d be there in 10 minutes... Quit calling me every half hour.
Just a word of advice for all you single guys having a hard time out there, Forget the clubs, forget the churches, forget the online dating sites, as the best places to meet single women are the freezer section and down the cat food isle.....
Man, the first five days after the weekend are always the hardest.
Does Holy Crap comes from Holy Cow.?
I think 90% of the software on my computer doesn`t do anything except send me notices that there`s a new version of it!