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I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
Money can`t buy you happiness, but it does give you the ability to rent it until you die.
Don`t play stupid with me! I`m better at it.
The unplanned moments tend to be the best ones.
It’s what’s on the inside that counts, unless you’re talking about one of those hollow chocolate bunnies.
I go out all day looking good and saw no one I know. I go out for 5 minutes looking like sh!t and it`s all of the sudden a f*cking reunion.
"My name will live forever!" - Anonymous.
I automatically classify anything over $5 as expensive.
My wife is a sex object. Every time I want to have sex, she’ll object.
You can`t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me.
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
What doesn`t kill you, makes you stronger... except for lions, lions will definitely kill you.
My thoughts should be ashamed of themselves.
I have found my sleep number and it is eleven, eleven beers.
Sometimes I drive between lanes and pretend my car is Pacman gobbling up the dashed lines.