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Todays Relationships: You can touch each other but not each others phones.
A word of advice, stay on my good side. My good side is in Hawaii.
A comprehensive list of the things women have taught me: 1) I`m wrong.
Shout out to bees, willing to kill themselves just to inconvenience a hater.
The neighbor`s cat seems to think my flower bed is his litter box. I`ll fix that furry little bugger. I mixed 44 packages of pop rocks into the soil. And now we wait....
It`s scientifically proven the more you shut up then the less likely I am to punch you in the face.
I`m thankful for pizza and burgers... and ice cream and bacon and fries and... F*ck it, I`m thankful for food. I love you, food.
I know two wrongs don`t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I`m like on 756.
I can bench 250 lbs. And by that, I mean, I can sit myself down on a bench in a local park.
Ladies, when it comes to doggy style.....I`m behind you 100%
Telling people your phone is gonna die, But you really just don’t want to text them.
My Wife does this cute thing where she says that "actions speak louder than words" and then gets pissed at me for just nodding.
Sorry I mixed 50,000 instant pudding packets into your above ground pool
Remembering to remember is always the first thing I forget.
My new diet plan consists of multiple naps. Because you can`t stuff your face when you`re sleeping.