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If I told you I was a pathological liar, would you believe me?
You can look at some people and instantly know they’re only going to get two awards in life, a birth and a death certificate.
Texting totally changes your perception of how long stoplights are.
I feel like the majority of Eminem`s songs are just him reading from his diary with angry background music.
I wish more of my handcuff stories involved sex instead of police officers.
I don`t know if getting everything I want would make me happy, but the opposite is not working at all.
The really cool thing about being a husband is having your mistakes constantly pointed out.
If your friends don`t make fun of you, they`re not really your friends.
If at first you don’t succeed, look in the trash for the instructions.
I was jogging earlier and...LMAO, I`m sorry...I can`t start a status with such ridiculousness.
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
I`m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
Just called my own voicemail and left messages until the memory was full. People can`t leave messages now. That`s the kind of genius I am.
Wow comma I just realized if I tap the microphone on my keyboard I don`t have to type out my statuses anymore exclamation point
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.