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I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds "by mouth" on the prescription label.
If Eve sacraficed the whole human race for Apple, I wonder what she would have done for a Klondike Bar?
FB friends, please let me know if you own one of those cool little Smart cars so I can unfriend you.
The mind is like a parachute .... It doesn`t work if it isn`t open.
If your that person that makes microwave popcorn at work, nobody likes you.
If a woman is talking to me about her problems, I better be the cause of them.
Money may not buy happiness but it can certainly improve the quality of your misery
Can you imagine the reaction 20 years ago if you showed people a photo album filled with pictures you took of yourself in the bathroom?
I`d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars. Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish-- wait, I just realized I`ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
The Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria`s secret around the house.
Garage sales are the gateway drug to Walmart.
I don`t mean to brag... but I`m a pretty damn good peek-a-boo opponent
Every time I make plans to eat better I can hear my stomach laughing
I could never trust a psychic who hasn`t won the lottery at least once.