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I always stop to help women broke down. I don`t know sh!t about cars, but I do know how a good porno starts off!
Balloons think they’re so cool. I tried to tell one he was leaking and he just said, “Pfft.”
It’s not that I’m old, your music really does suck.
Have some fun: goto the local bar. Play every Justin Beaber song and leave.
I saw the most beautiful painting at the store the other day … but then I realized it was a mirror.
Nothing says "I dont take you seriously" like your dog wagging his tail when you`re yelling at him.
What do crickets hear when they have an awkward silence?
Just realized I have more in common with Garfield than I have with most people
I always try to behave but there are usually too many other options.
I like to punish people who ask me how I`m doing by giving them a detailed description of how I am doing.
I wish electronics would scream a little bit when you unplugged them.
I can eat a piece of pie without a plate or a fork what else should I write on this dating site profile?
I made this margarita with my kids` slushie machine ... Don`t judge
HR wants me to give myself a self evaluation. This will be the first and last time they make this mistake.
That awkward moment when the creepy guy in the white van doesn`t have candy...