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I always get naked before I get in bed so I don`t know why this lady at Sears is giving me a dirty look in the mattress section.
Nothing makes you feel more like a kid than the right breakfast cereal. Lucky Charms for me please!
I`m thankful for many things, but mostly that there were no camera phones when I was in high school.
Spoiler alert: this milk expired five days ago
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
The sight of naked cleavage reduces a man`s ability to reason by 50% ... Per boob.
Sometimes I stand in front of the mirror naked just to remind myself what nobody`s getting.
As soon as I figure out who drank my 2 cases of beer, I`m gonna try to figure out why I`m so drunk.
I SOOOOO wanted Kim and Kayne to name their daughter Wild Wild...
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
I`ll tell you what`s wrong with modern society. Nobody ever drinks out of the skulls of their enemies anymore.
I got food poisoning today. I don`t know when I`ll use it though.
If you live up be 100, you should make up some fake reason why, just to mess with people… like claim you ate a pinecone every single day.
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.