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Gas prices are a lot like girls: We just wish they would go down.
I haven`t slept for three days, because that would be too long
I never meant to be so cold, I never meant to be so cold. - Mother nature
On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the Escape key
Exaggerations went up a million percent last year.
You should see the sh!t I don`t post.
why would i ever pay to go to a nascar event when i could get drunk beside the interstate and cheer for cars for free
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
If people in horror movies listened to me, they would still be alive.
Single ladies, stop saying you should just give up & get a cat , if no man wants you , don`t force an innocent cat to live with you..
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
If you want to pick up girls ....Keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
On cold mornings like this I just tell outrageous lies and hope my pants catch fire.
Just ate a sleeve of crackers on my wife`s side of the bed.. I`ll let you know...
If I`m your emergency contact, for your sake, I hope that hospital sends texts too.