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Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.
People who try to test my patience don`t realize it`s an exam I don`t plan on passing
You’re the reason I wake up everyday... Just kidding I have a job!!
I`m looking for a new personal trainer, the last one didn`t work out
Just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
Don`t threaten to leave people, surprise them by actually leaving.
I bet everyone in Gotham prisons really hates the guy that killed Bruce Wayne`s parents.
You know you’re working class when your TV is bigger than your book case.
The human race is the only one that lets its idiots live a full life...
The Bible is Christianity’s Terms of Service. Nobody actually reads it, but as long as u agree to everything in it, u can use the Heaven app
Due to the economic crisis and ever increasing price of food, the 5 second drop rule has now been increased to 10.
Big shout-out to slugs for doing everything a snail does but without a helmet.
Bran flakes. Helping pants fit better for over 100 years.
Efficiency: skip your morning, wake up in the afternoon.
My ex says that he will dance on my grave. I`ve now arranged to be buried at sea