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Have you ever tried blind-folded archery? You don`t know what you`re missing.
So after an hour of playing Paper, Rock, Scissors, we decided to call it a tie. Good game, mirror!
I never make plans until I know how I am getting out of them.
Just changed my wireless network name in my apartment to "I can hear you having sex through the ceiling and it sounds mediocre."
At work, sometimes I secretly brew decaf coffee in the normal pot so that everyone else works at my pace.
Even though I`m only 29, I know I`m going to die a bitter, lonely, miserable old man ... I`m married.
So much to do and so few alibis.
*uses Ouija board* NEW PHONE WHO DIS
I wonder whether I can trust doctors with dead plants in the waiting room.
I bet attractive people think the world is a lot more polite than it really is.
When I die, I am going to haunt the f*ck out of you people.
A few more months without getting laid and I should be eligible for employment at Gamestop.
If my ceiling fan could hold my weight, I would never be bored again.
When I am working, I get paid to be nice. I don`t understand why my friends and family expect me to do it for free during my time off.
Parenting tip: if you beat one child with the other child you can tell people they were just fighting. You`re welcome.