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Admit it at some point in your life you have tried to close the fridge slowly to see when the light goes out...
How many times can you celebrate a 29th birthday before people catch on? -asking for a friend
My wife started clipping coupons to help save money. She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
Collecting my thoughts… I almost have a whole set! ;)
Thank you Lord for this delicious meal we are about to Instagram.
Just because I`m awake doesn`t mean I`m ready to do things
Peanut butter and jelly. That´s what I like in my belly
have you ever tried waking up in the morning? its horrible, the sun`s the wrong place and your head is so damn heavy.
Interviewer: Have any weaknesses? Me: Bullets I: No, I mean… M: Knives I: I don’t think y… M: probably evil dragons I: … M: Focusing.
When something goes wrong in your life, just yell "PLOT TWIST!" and move on.
I am 5 for 5 on popping my trunk instead of unlocking the fuel door at the gas station.
I hate long distance relationships. That`s why I moved the fridge into my bedroom.
Some people pass through our lives just to teach us not to be like them.
Who ever snuck the s in "fast food" was a clever little bastard!
Today`s subliminal thought is: …