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Insomnia is very common. Try not to lose any sleep over it.
Alway be nice to anyone that has full access to your toothbrush.
Farts are just the ghosts of the things we eat.
"You go girl" - asking my girlfriend to move out, but sassy like
I`m really easy to get along with, once people learn to worship me.
I saw a baby wearing a bib that said, “This dumbass put my cape on backwards”
There’s nothing like having a long to-do list to make me feel like doing absolutely nothing.
You know you`re an alcoholic when the only Holiday cards that you get are from your neighborhood pubs.
If you`re buying Smart Water for 4$ a bottle,, I`m sorry to tell you it`s not working
Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today." Woman: "EXCUSE ME?!" [whispers]"Dear Diary, I think she can hear me."
I decided to bury the hatchet with that neighbor I never got along with. After all, it is the murder weapon.
Everyone please stop doing crimes because sirens are too noisy.
Why can`t insomnia start in the morning.
I`m so fresh they call me "ferbreeze"
If 3 people have sex, it`s called a 3-some. If 2 people have sex, it`s called a 2-some. I guess we now know why they call you HAND-some.