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Sometimes you have to burn a few bridges, to stop the weirdos from following you.
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today. I didn`t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
Are you reading this from a toilet? I’m writing this from one.
Make sure your goals are unattainable so you`ll feel a little better about giving up later
The joy of finding out that your boss is going on a holiday is way greater than you yourself going on one
We are the only ones who can control our own happiness, but sometimes it feels like someone else is holding the remote.
I`m a bad multitasker and even a questionable monotasker
Does everyone have that one dumb ass that finds you on Facebook and will not give up? Repeated friend requests, inbox messages, and follows my pages. It is driving me nuts. I understand at some point I will have to give in, but just because I am married to her doesn`t mean I have to like her, right?
If everybody was consistently as determined as they are when they carry all groceries in one trip, this world would be in a better place.
Life really is all down-hill once you get to big too ride in the shopping cart
lifes like a box of chocolates, never know whatcha gonna get (:
Seeing how Iron Man and Batman are only really smart and super rich, I’m really disappointed with Bill Gates.
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like "Ugh, tourists".
Now tell me how old your baby is in hours.
The boss keeps talking about a company 401k … I don’t think I can run that far!